Eight months ago, I posted that Elmer's TPR trial date was set for June 16th, 2017.
I had misunderstood at the time, and that date was actually for a TPR hearing.
Which then got "continued" until September 15th.
Which then the parents contested DSS's recommendation to terminate their parental rights. And Bio Mom requested the next court date be set for 3-6 months out so she could go to rehab, a request which the judge very quickly denied.
And here I am again posting that we have a TPR trial date set for February 5, 2018. Almost five months from the last time we were in court, when the judge denied mom's request to delay trial for 3-6 months.
Neither bio parent has walked a straight and narrow path during the time Elmer has been in foster care, and both have made some poor decisions in the recent past. So I am fairly certain the judge will rule that their rights will be terminated. But then the parents have 30 days to appeal that ruling. (And it is actually 30 days after the judge signs the paperwork, which is not always the day of court). THAT is where the uncertainty comes in for me - I think there is at least a 50% chance that at least one parent will appeal. I'm just hoping they don't and this child can get some permanency before his third birthday.
Monday, December 11, 2017
Saturday, November 4, 2017
Pre-Adoptive Status
I went last week to sign paperwork to change Elmer's placement status from "foster home" to "pre-adoptive home." That doesn't mean anything in terms of the progression of his legal case, or that anything has happened there to move us closer to adoption. It just means that the primary goal of his case is TPR, DSS has filed a motion to the court to have a TPR trial, and that everything is in order for adoption once TPR is granted.
Apparently, it looks better at the TPR trial if DSS can say, "We have him placed in a pre-adoptive home - one that has bonded with him and desires to adopt him if parents' rights are terminated."
It means that I am the family that has been chosen for adoption. It means that once rights are terminated, I only have to sign a form and then I can proceed with getting a lawyer and filing for an adoption date.
What this meeting consisted of:
- The adoptions worker had written up a detailed summary of all of Elmer's information - behaviors, birth and other medical history, current functioning, sleep habits, etc. And then had to verbally read it to me word for word. (Funny how much of this information came directly from me, but yet they have to read it to me.) I get why they have to do it that way - they don't want any adoptive family saying that they were not informed of a piece of information, or that they overlooked that piece in the written summary. Many times, this meeting is the first time a potential adoptive family is getting any information on the child, and they have to decide whether to accept this child for adoption or not.
- The supervisor had a contract of what would happen after adoption, including continuing stipend, continuing Medicaid coverage, and all of the responsibilities of the adoptive family. This document also had to be read verbally to me word for word. Including phone numbers every time they were written out.
- Signing all of these documents, basically indicating that I have all this information, and I am willing to accept this child for a pre-adoptive placement.
- I also received two full manila envelopes of copies of all of Elmer's medical records (basically from the NICU).
Even though pretty much everything they read to me were pieces of information that I already knew, hearing some of the things in his history verbally read out loud, especially in summary form, hit me hard. Made me sad for Elmer and all he had to endure before he came here.
I have not even tackled the medical information yet. I want to read it word-for-word. I'm sure I will have myself a good old cry over it, because my understanding is that there were times they were not sure if Elmer was going to live.
At least now I have a sigh of relief because it is official that I (and not someone else) would be the adoptive home once parental rights are terminated.
Still waiting on a court date for that to happen.
Apparently, it looks better at the TPR trial if DSS can say, "We have him placed in a pre-adoptive home - one that has bonded with him and desires to adopt him if parents' rights are terminated."
It means that I am the family that has been chosen for adoption. It means that once rights are terminated, I only have to sign a form and then I can proceed with getting a lawyer and filing for an adoption date.
What this meeting consisted of:
- The adoptions worker had written up a detailed summary of all of Elmer's information - behaviors, birth and other medical history, current functioning, sleep habits, etc. And then had to verbally read it to me word for word. (Funny how much of this information came directly from me, but yet they have to read it to me.) I get why they have to do it that way - they don't want any adoptive family saying that they were not informed of a piece of information, or that they overlooked that piece in the written summary. Many times, this meeting is the first time a potential adoptive family is getting any information on the child, and they have to decide whether to accept this child for adoption or not.
- The supervisor had a contract of what would happen after adoption, including continuing stipend, continuing Medicaid coverage, and all of the responsibilities of the adoptive family. This document also had to be read verbally to me word for word. Including phone numbers every time they were written out.
- Signing all of these documents, basically indicating that I have all this information, and I am willing to accept this child for a pre-adoptive placement.
- I also received two full manila envelopes of copies of all of Elmer's medical records (basically from the NICU).
Even though pretty much everything they read to me were pieces of information that I already knew, hearing some of the things in his history verbally read out loud, especially in summary form, hit me hard. Made me sad for Elmer and all he had to endure before he came here.
I have not even tackled the medical information yet. I want to read it word-for-word. I'm sure I will have myself a good old cry over it, because my understanding is that there were times they were not sure if Elmer was going to live.
At least now I have a sigh of relief because it is official that I (and not someone else) would be the adoptive home once parental rights are terminated.
Still waiting on a court date for that to happen.
Friday, October 27, 2017
So Long
Elmer's TPR Hearing was again set for Sept 15th.
Bio dad did not come because he "couldn't get a ride." Bio dad's lawyer wasn't there because of "traffic," but bio mom's lawyer had talked to BD's lawyer and would stand in.
BM named another placement option in court, including with name, phone number, and address... the paternal grandmother of Elmer's half-siblings (so, no blood relation to Elmer - and I thought to myself, "I'm just as much a relative as this person is, if not more so.") The caseworker assured me they would not be moving Elmer there, even if she passed a home study. {And turned out that when the caseworker called the "relative" to set up a case study, she said she was not interested in being a placement option.}
DSS moved for parents' rights to be terminated (TPR). BM and BD contested. Which means now it has to go to a trial for the judge to decide if rights will be terminated or not. BM's lawyer said that BM was planning on going to rehab that day, and requested the TPR trial to be set 3-6 months out. The judge did not pause even a second and said, "No, ma'am."
I thought that of course, in reality, the trial will likely be at least 3 months out anyway because it seems to take at least that long to get something on the docket. As of now, a trial date still hasn't been set, so looks like I was right.
So still we sit here and wait.
Bio dad did not come because he "couldn't get a ride." Bio dad's lawyer wasn't there because of "traffic," but bio mom's lawyer had talked to BD's lawyer and would stand in.
BM named another placement option in court, including with name, phone number, and address... the paternal grandmother of Elmer's half-siblings (so, no blood relation to Elmer - and I thought to myself, "I'm just as much a relative as this person is, if not more so.") The caseworker assured me they would not be moving Elmer there, even if she passed a home study. {And turned out that when the caseworker called the "relative" to set up a case study, she said she was not interested in being a placement option.}
DSS moved for parents' rights to be terminated (TPR). BM and BD contested. Which means now it has to go to a trial for the judge to decide if rights will be terminated or not. BM's lawyer said that BM was planning on going to rehab that day, and requested the TPR trial to be set 3-6 months out. The judge did not pause even a second and said, "No, ma'am."
I thought that of course, in reality, the trial will likely be at least 3 months out anyway because it seems to take at least that long to get something on the docket. As of now, a trial date still hasn't been set, so looks like I was right.
So still we sit here and wait.
Monday, October 16, 2017
It's Not All About the Kids
In a perfect world, the things that happen in the foster care system would all be based on what is best for the children. In reality, that often does not happen. Sometimes it is because procedures are set up otherwise. Sometimes it is due to the huge caseload that the workers have. Sometimes it is because logistics don't allow it (or make it much easier to do otherwise). Sometimes people just don't care.
Some examples that I have personally encountered (or had local foster mama friends encounter) in the last six months or so:
I received a call for a 20-month old when Elmer was 18 months old. I said that I would accept the placement. I started asking questions, including if they already had the child in the office (often they are not there yet so it may take many hours before I am needed; and sometimes they don't actually end up needing placement in my home). "Well, actually he is already in another home now, but they felt he needed more one-on-one attention." Excuse me?! This is my personal licensing worker so she has been to my home for my licensing visits and is familiar with my situation.
I said, "Do you remember that I have an 18 month old in my home already?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Well, he definitely wouldn't be getting one-on-one attention, since that is such a demanding age."
"Well, that's just what the other foster family felt."
So I would think that, for the sake of that child, you should abide by that when trying to place that child. I ended up saying that I was not comfortable taking placement of that child unless I could talk to the previous foster family and/or caseworker and determine if it would be a good fit for the child. And they ended up finding another place.
Some examples that I have personally encountered (or had local foster mama friends encounter) in the last six months or so:
I received a call for a 20-month old when Elmer was 18 months old. I said that I would accept the placement. I started asking questions, including if they already had the child in the office (often they are not there yet so it may take many hours before I am needed; and sometimes they don't actually end up needing placement in my home). "Well, actually he is already in another home now, but they felt he needed more one-on-one attention." Excuse me?! This is my personal licensing worker so she has been to my home for my licensing visits and is familiar with my situation.
I said, "Do you remember that I have an 18 month old in my home already?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Well, he definitely wouldn't be getting one-on-one attention, since that is such a demanding age."
"Well, that's just what the other foster family felt."
So I would think that, for the sake of that child, you should abide by that when trying to place that child. I ended up saying that I was not comfortable taking placement of that child unless I could talk to the previous foster family and/or caseworker and determine if it would be a good fit for the child. And they ended up finding another place.
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My friend got her first foster placement of a 3-year old. After he had been with her for about a month, she knew they were having court and that there was a chance the child would be moved to the grandmother's home. She tried to prepare the child that morning and told him that he might be going to stay with his grandmother but that she would pick him up and tell him goodbye. She never heard anything from the caseworker, and then when she arrived at daycare to pick the child up, they told her that the caseworker had already come and picked him up to take him back to grandma. Of course she was devastated she couldn't say goodbye, but was also sad and worried that the child had been scared or traumatized because he didn't know what was going on. If it had been an infant, the child probably would not be affected one way or the other, but being that this child was three, he should have had a little smoother transition.
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TT adopted Twin in Feb 2016, and then a new little girl (Spark) in Feb 2017. In January 2017, when Twin's half-sister came into care, TT requested placement with her so the two sisters could be together. It is pretty obvious this case will go to adoption as well, so shortly after Spark's adoption, TT called the adoption office to see what she needed to do to keep her adoption file current/up-to-date. The adoptions worker's response? "You know... we do like to give other people a chance at adoption!" Because it's about letting people adopt, not what is best for the child - to be placed with a sibling and ultimately to be adopted by the foster mom who she has been with since she came into care.
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So in early September, when I decided that it was just not going to work with PB placed here and that I needed to request new placement for him, I was VERY hesitant and nervous. Especially because of the first situation that I described above. I did not want them to just find him a warm bed to get him out of here. Things were not so bad that he had to be moved "TODAY," so I wanted them to take the time to try to find a place that was going to be a good fit for both him and the family.
I made the request to his caseworker, who said I also needed to let my licensing/placement worker know. So I did (both via email and voice mail), on a Wednesday/Thursday. Sunday night I checked my email (I usually only check personal email once or twice a week) to find an email from the licensing worker that I needed to call his caseworker and she would then contact Foster Family Licensing and Support. Ok. I already did, and YOU are part of Foster Family and Licensing Support! So this is just the runaround. And then it was Labor Day. And then Hurricane Irma (almost) came through so all hands were on deck to make sure all the kids were taken care of for that. So over two weeks later, I emailed to check and make sure the placement change for PB was still in process (and hadn't gotten lost in the shuffle of everything else), and was told "We continue to search for new placement for him." And then a few hours later, the caseworker called to say she would be picking him up later that day.
Fast forward a few days when a new foster family posted in our Facebook group asking about daycare. I figured out that this was the family who got PB. And through private conversation, found out that they had been told he was 4 years old. When a 20 MONTH old arrived on their doorstep and their age range was actually 3-6 years, they said he could stay but they would give it 30 days and see how it went.
As of now (more than 30 days later), he is still in that home. But it makes me SICK to think that he might have to get uprooted AGAIN because someone either A) lied about his age to get him placed, knowing this family's range was 3-6 years, or B) took so little time to get the details about the situation that she didn't even check his file for his age.
Definitely NOT all about the kids.
Tuesday, September 5, 2017
I Want to Go to Disney World
Elmer LOVES Mickey Mouse, and really has for at least the last year. The thought has been swirling around in my head for about six months now that I would like to take him sometime. Then I thought, "Going in celebration of his adoption would be fun."
I volunteer with a baseball league for kids with special needs, with many of my former patients. Each spring, a local car dealership draws the names of ten players that will get a trip to Disney World. This is an all-expenses paid trip for the child and three family members. It amazes me that they continue to do this year after year. This year, three of the ten winners were former patients of mine, and two of them posted a bunch of pictures of their trips this past weekend.
Several other friends were also taking a trip to Disney this past weekend and posted pictures.
I was so happy to see the moments of joy as these girls have the trip of a lifetime! And enjoyed looking at my other friends' pictures as well! But every time I logged on and saw more Disney pictures, a part of me was sad that our Disney trip is not even on the horizon yet.
I volunteer with a baseball league for kids with special needs, with many of my former patients. Each spring, a local car dealership draws the names of ten players that will get a trip to Disney World. This is an all-expenses paid trip for the child and three family members. It amazes me that they continue to do this year after year. This year, three of the ten winners were former patients of mine, and two of them posted a bunch of pictures of their trips this past weekend.
Several other friends were also taking a trip to Disney this past weekend and posted pictures.
I was so happy to see the moments of joy as these girls have the trip of a lifetime! And enjoyed looking at my other friends' pictures as well! But every time I logged on and saw more Disney pictures, a part of me was sad that our Disney trip is not even on the horizon yet.
Friday, June 30, 2017
Court Continued
We had Elmer's TPR Hearing court date on June 16. The week before, his caseworker asked if I had heard anything from his mom, and said that when they tried to serve her at the address on file, someone said she didn't live there and they didn't have a current address. (The address is her mom's house, so... yeah, right... they didn't have a current address! And then when the caseworker finally got in touch with mom a couple of days before court, she gave the exact same address they already had on file!)
So court was already continued (cancelled for that day) because they were unable to serve the mom. But then there was also an issue with the state-appointed lawyers of mom and dad, so they had to get that straightened out as well. So I think that court would have been continued no matter what.
Mom ended up showing up about 15 minutes after court was over. We talked, and she wanted to know if I would let her see Elmer if I adopted him. I told her that as long as she was clean, sober, and safe, that I would allow contact. She also asked if I would change Elmer's name. I did not want to discuss this before the actual adoption, but I wasn't going to lie to her face, so I told her that yes, I would probably change his name. (Separate post about the name change to come.) She mentioned that bio dad says, "That's my Junior" but I mentioned that even if I didn't change his first name, his last name would change and so either way he would no longer be a Junior. Mom also told me the street she lives on and a pretty good description of the house, and it is about five minutes from my house, so I am going to drive by and see if I can get an alternate address for Legal to use to serve mom next time.
So now we wait... again... for another TPR Hearing date. And I anticipate that parents will contest the TPR at that hearing, which would mean that we would have to go to a TPR trial. Such a long process for a case where the parents never had a treatment plan!
So court was already continued (cancelled for that day) because they were unable to serve the mom. But then there was also an issue with the state-appointed lawyers of mom and dad, so they had to get that straightened out as well. So I think that court would have been continued no matter what.
Mom ended up showing up about 15 minutes after court was over. We talked, and she wanted to know if I would let her see Elmer if I adopted him. I told her that as long as she was clean, sober, and safe, that I would allow contact. She also asked if I would change Elmer's name. I did not want to discuss this before the actual adoption, but I wasn't going to lie to her face, so I told her that yes, I would probably change his name. (Separate post about the name change to come.) She mentioned that bio dad says, "That's my Junior" but I mentioned that even if I didn't change his first name, his last name would change and so either way he would no longer be a Junior. Mom also told me the street she lives on and a pretty good description of the house, and it is about five minutes from my house, so I am going to drive by and see if I can get an alternate address for Legal to use to serve mom next time.
So now we wait... again... for another TPR Hearing date. And I anticipate that parents will contest the TPR at that hearing, which would mean that we would have to go to a TPR trial. Such a long process for a case where the parents never had a treatment plan!
Monday, June 19, 2017
Life is Hard Right Now
These two sure can be cute!
Snack break in their matching swim trunks at the pool
Banging on my bedroom door
But in reality, THIS is a more accurate snapshot of what life is like right now:
Elmer sing-songing "pizza, pizza" on the way home from my friend's house because we had had pizza there for dinner... and PB screaming intermittently the entire twenty minute drive home.
Overall PB cries and tantrums a lot throughout the day. He does not like the car - he intermittently screams every minute or two on most car rides, and is usually pulling at the shoulder straps of the seat, or pulling at his shoes when he does so. I think he was probably rarely in a car seat - whether that be because he never went anywhere in a car, or whether because he was in a car but not made to be in a seat.
He has no words other than "mama," "ball," and "uh-oh." (And I am not convinced that he hasn't picked up those last two words since he has been here.) But even more importantly, his attempts at non-verbal communication are virtually non-existent. For example, we were at brunch yesterday and I took a fork out of his hand. Just to get it out of the way, not because he couldn't have it. He did not resist my taking the fork... but he did turn around in his seat and start screaming and having a tantrum. Obviously he wanted the fork. But he made no attempt to communicate that before having a tantrum. Most kids would first resist the fork being taken, then reach for the fork, then maybe fuss about it, and finally have a tantrum if they were still not getting the fork back. He just jumps right for a tantrum. Maybe in the past that was the only way that he ever got anything. Maybe he knew that if something got taken away, he was never going to get it back so he might as well have a meltdown.
If PB doesn't get what he wants immediately, or if I provide any direction whatsoever, he screams and throws out, including at times jumping, throwing his head back (and hitting it on the floor if I don't protect his fall), head-banging, or throwing himself into a wall.
A lot of his screaming centers around food. If he sees food and is not getting it (like when I am trying to put leftovers on a plate and heat them up for dinner), he screams. Or if I give the boys a snack in the car, PB devours his quickly but then gets mad and screams when he sees Elmer still with food and doesn't have any. I assume that he probably didn't get food regularly, so when it was available, you better eat it fast because you never knew when the next meal was coming.
I have tried to take them outside, but it is stressful for me and usually not safe. PB will run away and think it is funny when I try to get him (even if I just walk casually over to where he is rather than chase him). And he is FAST, so it is not ok to let him wander too far just to see how far he would go, and I do usually end up having to run after him by the time it is all said and done. (He was taken into DSS custody because he was found wandering, so I really don't think he would care about where I was, and would just keep going without any regard for me.) And then when I go to get PB, Elmer usually thinks it is funny to run in the opposite direction. I live in a townhouse so there is no fence, so it is just not safe to have them outside when they do that.
Bedtime is rough. I used to be able to just put Elmer down and he goes right to sleep. But PB does not self-soothe well, and screams off and on, while tossing and turning for usually 20-30 minutes, and usually ends up crying straight for several minutes and I have to go up and help him situate himself before he can go to sleep.
And they fight! But not just toddler fighting over toys. PB is very aggressive - bites, pulls hair, and/or tackles to get the toy he wants. (I am realizing Elmer is pretty aggressive, too, but not to that extent.)
PB has had upper respiratory congestion pretty much the whole time since he arrived, and has coughed so much in the night that he has thrown up at one point. Other nights he has not been able to go back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night, for up to 2 hours. And the two have woken each other up at times (because of the coughing or otherwise). Sleep has been hard to come by pretty much the entire last two weeks.
Things have already started to get a little better in some areas, and I'm hoping that as he is here longer, things will start to smooth out even more.
Friday, June 9, 2017
PB
Last Wednesday at around midnight, I received a voicemail for a placement of a 1-year old and 5-year old. I called the placement worker back on Wednesday morning and said that I could take the 1-year old if she hadn't found placement. She had found someone to take them for the night, but was still looking for a permanent place for them. She said the plan was for me to take the 1-year old if she couldn't find a permanent place for the two together, which she ended up being able to do.
But when another one-year old came into care on Thursday, I think I was probably one of the first people she contacted since I had just said I would take a one-year old the day before. I said I could take him, and around 5:45 that afternoon, "PB" (for "Peek-a-Boo" because he loves to play peekaboo and just laughs when he does) arrived from a county 1 1/2 hours away. He is three months younger than Elmer but just as active.
When I was getting the boys ready for bed, he climbed INTO the pack n play, which I figured did not bode well for him staying in it during the night. And when it was bedtime and I walked out of the room, as suspected, he immediately climbed out of the pack n play and tried to open the bedroom door. I did end up getting him settled that night into the pack n play, and he slept all night, but decided that even though he was only 17 months old, he would have to go into a toddler bed the next night. One of my patients' moms had just given me a toddler bed a week or two before, so I was able to get it set up the next day. He has mostly stayed in the bed, although getting to sleep has been a little rough (he usually tosses and turns for about 20-30 minutes, and often cries off and on as well).
The boys have gotten along pretty well. The first few days, they REALLY fought over toys, including some pushing, hitting, hair pulling, and biting; but this has improved in the last few days.
PB didn't cry (except for bedtime) for pretty much the first two days. Now he cries A LOT! He is very easily frustrated and angered when he does not get his way (or even when he does not get something he wants IMMEDIATELY when he wants it), and jumps and throws himself on the floor. This morning it was because I made him back up a little so I could get the gate open at the top of the stairs for us all to be able to go down them. He doesn't say any words, other than "mama," so I'm sure this has something to do with his frustration level.
He is really really cute, and smiles and laughs at times (especially when playing peekaboo), but is also very emotionally labile (totally as expected for this age).
This Tuesday, PB coughed in his sleep so much that he ended up throwing up a little, so on Wednesday afternoon I took him to the After-hours pediatric clinic. They said there was fluid on his ears, but no infection - yet. (And then when we were at the pediatrician's office this morning, he said the ears were "about" to get infected so wrote a prescription for antibiotic. Elmer was also checked on Wednesday (because he had had a low-grade fever on Tuesday afternoon), and both ears were infected again! First in 2 1/2 months, but still very frustrating. So we have had a rough couple of nights sleeping-wise!
Overall, we are settling in! I talked to the caseworker today, who doesn't have a whole lot of information. But I have a feeling he will be here for a good while.
But when another one-year old came into care on Thursday, I think I was probably one of the first people she contacted since I had just said I would take a one-year old the day before. I said I could take him, and around 5:45 that afternoon, "PB" (for "Peek-a-Boo" because he loves to play peekaboo and just laughs when he does) arrived from a county 1 1/2 hours away. He is three months younger than Elmer but just as active.
When I was getting the boys ready for bed, he climbed INTO the pack n play, which I figured did not bode well for him staying in it during the night. And when it was bedtime and I walked out of the room, as suspected, he immediately climbed out of the pack n play and tried to open the bedroom door. I did end up getting him settled that night into the pack n play, and he slept all night, but decided that even though he was only 17 months old, he would have to go into a toddler bed the next night. One of my patients' moms had just given me a toddler bed a week or two before, so I was able to get it set up the next day. He has mostly stayed in the bed, although getting to sleep has been a little rough (he usually tosses and turns for about 20-30 minutes, and often cries off and on as well).
The boys have gotten along pretty well. The first few days, they REALLY fought over toys, including some pushing, hitting, hair pulling, and biting; but this has improved in the last few days.
PB didn't cry (except for bedtime) for pretty much the first two days. Now he cries A LOT! He is very easily frustrated and angered when he does not get his way (or even when he does not get something he wants IMMEDIATELY when he wants it), and jumps and throws himself on the floor. This morning it was because I made him back up a little so I could get the gate open at the top of the stairs for us all to be able to go down them. He doesn't say any words, other than "mama," so I'm sure this has something to do with his frustration level.
He is really really cute, and smiles and laughs at times (especially when playing peekaboo), but is also very emotionally labile (totally as expected for this age).
This Tuesday, PB coughed in his sleep so much that he ended up throwing up a little, so on Wednesday afternoon I took him to the After-hours pediatric clinic. They said there was fluid on his ears, but no infection - yet. (And then when we were at the pediatrician's office this morning, he said the ears were "about" to get infected so wrote a prescription for antibiotic. Elmer was also checked on Wednesday (because he had had a low-grade fever on Tuesday afternoon), and both ears were infected again! First in 2 1/2 months, but still very frustrating. So we have had a rough couple of nights sleeping-wise!
Overall, we are settling in! I talked to the caseworker today, who doesn't have a whole lot of information. But I have a feeling he will be here for a good while.
Tuesday, May 9, 2017
This is Foster Care
Getting a call at 4:30 and responding that you will accept the placement. Being told that the caseworker will call with more information. The caseworker does not call, but finally shows up at the door at 8:30 with the child. This is foster care. (At least the child is the age that I was told... I've heard stories of a 6 year old showing up when they said they would accept a 2 year old!)
A little 22-month old who is scared to walk into a house. Hugsy (the new little boy) resisted walking into both my mom's house and daycare on Monday morning (which was converted from a house), and made me pick him up. The last time you walked into a house with the person you were most familiar with (the investigative caseworker), she left you with a complete stranger and didn't come back, so you don't really trust walking into a strange house anymore. This is foster care.
Hugsy crying in his sleep, which then wakes up Elmer, who points to the crib and says, "Happy...happy!" (wanting Hugsy to be Happy). Elmer crying because I have to go take food off of the stove, which then wakes Hugsy up. And then finally just putting a comforter in the middle of their floor and lying down with one on either side so they would both go back to sleep. This is foster care.
Less than 72 hours after the child arrives, the caseworker picks him up and takes him back home after the probable cause hearing because the judge rules that there was NOT probable cause to remove the children. This is foster care. (At least I was told they were picking him up and was able to say goodbye.)
A little 22-month old who is scared to walk into a house. Hugsy (the new little boy) resisted walking into both my mom's house and daycare on Monday morning (which was converted from a house), and made me pick him up. The last time you walked into a house with the person you were most familiar with (the investigative caseworker), she left you with a complete stranger and didn't come back, so you don't really trust walking into a strange house anymore. This is foster care.
Hugsy crying in his sleep, which then wakes up Elmer, who points to the crib and says, "Happy...happy!" (wanting Hugsy to be Happy). Elmer crying because I have to go take food off of the stove, which then wakes Hugsy up. And then finally just putting a comforter in the middle of their floor and lying down with one on either side so they would both go back to sleep. This is foster care.
Less than 72 hours after the child arrives, the caseworker picks him up and takes him back home after the probable cause hearing because the judge rules that there was NOT probable cause to remove the children. This is foster care. (At least I was told they were picking him up and was able to say goodbye.)
Sunday, May 7, 2017
Correction to TPR date
Remember when I posted that Elmer's TPR trial date was going to be June 16th? I was wrong. That is his TPR HEARING date. So if either of his parents show up and contest DSS's recommendation to terminate rights, then there will have to be a separate court date to have a TPR TRIAL (I'm guessing probably 3-6 months later, based on recent history of how things have progressed with mine and other cases). If the parents don't show up, the caseworker said they may be able to proceed with having the trial on June 16th and terminating rights.
I had gotten excited thinking that we actually may have an adoption date this calendar year, but now it's looking again like we probably won't.
I had gotten excited thinking that we actually may have an adoption date this calendar year, but now it's looking again like we probably won't.
Friday, May 5, 2017
Calls Galore
It has been a heck of a roller coaster day!!
Around 1:30 I got a call from foster care placement saying they had a disrupted foster home - the foster parent was being investigated and the kids removed - and needed to place six children. I recently gave my twin bed to Bop because his mattress was VERY old and lumpy. So I told her I could take one if they could go in a crib. She had a two-year old she needed to place, and I said I could take him. A little over an hour later, she called back and said that she was able to find a home that could take both the 2-year old and his sibling, so he would not be placed with me. BUT she has a 4-year old she would like to place with me. I said no since I did not have a bed and a 4-year old is likely to outgrow a toddler bed very quickly.
Then about 45 minutes after that (around 4:30), she called back again, saying she needed to place a 22 month old boy. I again said that I could take him, and he finally arrived just after 8:30.
I asked if he needed to eat, and she said that yes, he did. (Um, was this child seriously in custody for four hours - surrounding dinnertime - and no one had fed him?! I'm hoping this was not the case, but...) I gave him some graham crackers and he just stared at them, picked them up (many times), tried to feed them to me, and a couple of times put one in his mouth but then acted like he didn't know what to do with it. So then I gave him some yogurt. He opened his mouth for that, but then made a face once the yogurt was in, like he didn't like it; but then he ate 6 or 7 bites of that, making a face every time it hit his tongue but otherwise seeming to like it. He did drink some juice, and eventually started tearing up in the high chair so I got him down.
He was overall clean except his feet were dirty and stunk (because he was wearing sandals), so I just gave him a quick swipe with a soapy washcloth (except I did scrub the feet!) and then put his pajamas on. We walked back downstairs, and I held him on the couch in the mostly dark room, hoping he would go to sleep. Well, he sat on my lap without hardly moving for at least 15 minutes but never even seemed like he was going to doze off. My leg was falling asleep so I decided to try to put him in the pack n play (which I had temporarily put in my room, since Elmer was already asleep when they arrived and I had no clue if the new one was going to scream throughout the night). He laid down without crying and I laid on the bed. He laid there for about 30 minutes with me, playing with the stuffed dog I had given him, or tapping the canvas side of the pack n play, but never went to sleep. I finally sneaked out of the room and if he noticed, he did not cry. That was a little over an hour ago, and I am going to go up there to bed now. I did check a few times and didn't hear anything coming from my room, but we will see if he is actually asleep when I go up.
We will see how the "Twins" interact tomorrow!
Around 1:30 I got a call from foster care placement saying they had a disrupted foster home - the foster parent was being investigated and the kids removed - and needed to place six children. I recently gave my twin bed to Bop because his mattress was VERY old and lumpy. So I told her I could take one if they could go in a crib. She had a two-year old she needed to place, and I said I could take him. A little over an hour later, she called back and said that she was able to find a home that could take both the 2-year old and his sibling, so he would not be placed with me. BUT she has a 4-year old she would like to place with me. I said no since I did not have a bed and a 4-year old is likely to outgrow a toddler bed very quickly.
Then about 45 minutes after that (around 4:30), she called back again, saying she needed to place a 22 month old boy. I again said that I could take him, and he finally arrived just after 8:30.
I asked if he needed to eat, and she said that yes, he did. (Um, was this child seriously in custody for four hours - surrounding dinnertime - and no one had fed him?! I'm hoping this was not the case, but...) I gave him some graham crackers and he just stared at them, picked them up (many times), tried to feed them to me, and a couple of times put one in his mouth but then acted like he didn't know what to do with it. So then I gave him some yogurt. He opened his mouth for that, but then made a face once the yogurt was in, like he didn't like it; but then he ate 6 or 7 bites of that, making a face every time it hit his tongue but otherwise seeming to like it. He did drink some juice, and eventually started tearing up in the high chair so I got him down.
He was overall clean except his feet were dirty and stunk (because he was wearing sandals), so I just gave him a quick swipe with a soapy washcloth (except I did scrub the feet!) and then put his pajamas on. We walked back downstairs, and I held him on the couch in the mostly dark room, hoping he would go to sleep. Well, he sat on my lap without hardly moving for at least 15 minutes but never even seemed like he was going to doze off. My leg was falling asleep so I decided to try to put him in the pack n play (which I had temporarily put in my room, since Elmer was already asleep when they arrived and I had no clue if the new one was going to scream throughout the night). He laid down without crying and I laid on the bed. He laid there for about 30 minutes with me, playing with the stuffed dog I had given him, or tapping the canvas side of the pack n play, but never went to sleep. I finally sneaked out of the room and if he noticed, he did not cry. That was a little over an hour ago, and I am going to go up there to bed now. I did check a few times and didn't hear anything coming from my room, but we will see if he is actually asleep when I go up.
We will see how the "Twins" interact tomorrow!
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Elmer at 18 months
Well, Elmer is now 19 months old, but this should be mostly accurate as of 18 months since I actually made notes without writing the whole post! I'm going to write it from the point of when he was 18 months.
- He weighed 23 pounds (33rd %ile) and was 32 inches (34th %ile) at his 18-month checkup. Two hours later at WIC, he was 31 inches (9th %ile)! I trust the WIC measurement more, though, because they used the slider measurement device, rather than just marking on the paper on the exam table.
- He is so smart!
At 18 months, he said more than 80 words on his own, and keeps adding more every day!
He connects concepts and has a really good memory.
One day while climbing the stairs, he picked up a piece of debris, and I said, "Oh, yeah, I need to vacuum." Then when he got to the top of the stairs, he began grunting and motioning toward the vacuum cleaner. The time between those two things was enough that I had already forgotten what I said on the stairs and had to take a minute to figure out why he was pointing to the vacuum cleaner! There was also a couple of weeks that we had been to the pediatrician several times. On one of these visits, I had pointed out the fish's big eyes on the mural in one of the treatment rooms. Ten days later, when we were there again, I drew an eyeball on the magn-doodle and said, "eye." He quickly turned to the mural on the wall, looking for the fish's eye! We were in a different room with a different mural, so it wasn't there.
- We are doing "Mommy and Me" gymnastics class every week, and he loves it! The first class we went to, the teacher thought we were making up the class from a different day rather than it being his first time because he was so cooperative.
- He loves to help me! He will put the laundry into the dryer when I pass it to him, scoops out and dumps the cat's food, and throws things in the trash when I ask him. One day he also helped me clean out and organize the pantry - he put things in the right piles as I told him, or took things to the trash can.
- He feeds himself with spoon and fork pretty consistently, and usually does a good job with it. Sometimes I have tried to feed him so we can do it quickly or not end up with oatmeal in his hair, but he CRIES and points to his high chair, or goes to the silverware drawer to get his own spoon. I guess I can't hold down independence!
- Speaking of independence, he has hit the Terrible Twos early! When I tell him to do something he doesn't want to, he will say, "NO!" and hit at me. He also has started throwing some tantrums. {Thankfully by 19 months, this has improved a good bit!}
- He imitates EVERYTHING! For example, I was vacuuming the blinds and he picked up one of the vacuum attachments and started doing it, too. He pays attention to even the very little things and imitates - like when I licked my finger to turn some magazine pages, he did the exact same thing! And every little movement my six-year old nephew Bop does, he does too. Bop fell down on the floor on top of a book and rolled around kicking his legs; Elmer found a book to put on the floor and did the exact same thing. When we were at a baseball game, Bop walked over to the fence; so did Elmer. Bop squatted down on one knee while holding the fence; Elmer did the exact same thing.
- He LOVES balls of all types and sizes. Anything that is remotely round is a "ball" - eggs, a pregnant lady, my chest! LOL One day I got a watermelon and a cantaloupe at the grocery store. From the minute I put them in the cart, he kept saying, "Ball! Ball!" He was DEVASTATED when I put them on the counter at home and wouldn't let him play with the new balls we had! He also has quite the arm and leg for throwing and kicking.
- I have learned when brushing his teeth that I need to give him his own toothbrush because otherwise, we are fighting over the one toothbrush. He has gotten pretty good at brushing his teeth.
- He has started trying to jump, and occasionally gets both feet off the ground at the same time to really jump.
- He discovered his shadow! When he first saw it outside, I was trying to get him to make the connection that it was his body and was showing him how to wave and make his shadow move, while saying, "Hi." He spend the next couple of weeks almost obsessively saying, "Hi" to his shadow on the floor, wall, or wherever else (and sometimes when there really was no shadow but he was expecting one).
- One of his favorite activities these days is to sit on the curb outside and re-arrange the leaves that have gathered in the corner.
Elmer is growing and developing so quickly. I continue to be truly amazed at all of the things that he is able to do, and the fact that he is age-appropriate with everything (and ahead of his age for most things). My sweet baby is such a joy!
- He weighed 23 pounds (33rd %ile) and was 32 inches (34th %ile) at his 18-month checkup. Two hours later at WIC, he was 31 inches (9th %ile)! I trust the WIC measurement more, though, because they used the slider measurement device, rather than just marking on the paper on the exam table.
- He is so smart!
At 18 months, he said more than 80 words on his own, and keeps adding more every day!
He connects concepts and has a really good memory.
One day while climbing the stairs, he picked up a piece of debris, and I said, "Oh, yeah, I need to vacuum." Then when he got to the top of the stairs, he began grunting and motioning toward the vacuum cleaner. The time between those two things was enough that I had already forgotten what I said on the stairs and had to take a minute to figure out why he was pointing to the vacuum cleaner! There was also a couple of weeks that we had been to the pediatrician several times. On one of these visits, I had pointed out the fish's big eyes on the mural in one of the treatment rooms. Ten days later, when we were there again, I drew an eyeball on the magn-doodle and said, "eye." He quickly turned to the mural on the wall, looking for the fish's eye! We were in a different room with a different mural, so it wasn't there.
- We are doing "Mommy and Me" gymnastics class every week, and he loves it! The first class we went to, the teacher thought we were making up the class from a different day rather than it being his first time because he was so cooperative.
- He loves to help me! He will put the laundry into the dryer when I pass it to him, scoops out and dumps the cat's food, and throws things in the trash when I ask him. One day he also helped me clean out and organize the pantry - he put things in the right piles as I told him, or took things to the trash can.
- He feeds himself with spoon and fork pretty consistently, and usually does a good job with it. Sometimes I have tried to feed him so we can do it quickly or not end up with oatmeal in his hair, but he CRIES and points to his high chair, or goes to the silverware drawer to get his own spoon. I guess I can't hold down independence!
- Speaking of independence, he has hit the Terrible Twos early! When I tell him to do something he doesn't want to, he will say, "NO!" and hit at me. He also has started throwing some tantrums. {Thankfully by 19 months, this has improved a good bit!}
- He imitates EVERYTHING! For example, I was vacuuming the blinds and he picked up one of the vacuum attachments and started doing it, too. He pays attention to even the very little things and imitates - like when I licked my finger to turn some magazine pages, he did the exact same thing! And every little movement my six-year old nephew Bop does, he does too. Bop fell down on the floor on top of a book and rolled around kicking his legs; Elmer found a book to put on the floor and did the exact same thing. When we were at a baseball game, Bop walked over to the fence; so did Elmer. Bop squatted down on one knee while holding the fence; Elmer did the exact same thing.
- He LOVES balls of all types and sizes. Anything that is remotely round is a "ball" - eggs, a pregnant lady, my chest! LOL One day I got a watermelon and a cantaloupe at the grocery store. From the minute I put them in the cart, he kept saying, "Ball! Ball!" He was DEVASTATED when I put them on the counter at home and wouldn't let him play with the new balls we had! He also has quite the arm and leg for throwing and kicking.
- I have learned when brushing his teeth that I need to give him his own toothbrush because otherwise, we are fighting over the one toothbrush. He has gotten pretty good at brushing his teeth.
- He has started trying to jump, and occasionally gets both feet off the ground at the same time to really jump.
- He discovered his shadow! When he first saw it outside, I was trying to get him to make the connection that it was his body and was showing him how to wave and make his shadow move, while saying, "Hi." He spend the next couple of weeks almost obsessively saying, "Hi" to his shadow on the floor, wall, or wherever else (and sometimes when there really was no shadow but he was expecting one).
- One of his favorite activities these days is to sit on the curb outside and re-arrange the leaves that have gathered in the corner.
Elmer is growing and developing so quickly. I continue to be truly amazed at all of the things that he is able to do, and the fact that he is age-appropriate with everything (and ahead of his age for most things). My sweet baby is such a joy!
Saturday, April 8, 2017
One Crazy Request
A month or so ago, I got a voice mail from Elmer's mom. She said she wanted to talk to me about some plans for the upcoming weekend. I was actually home from work that day, but decided I would call her back after Elmer went to bed.
Well, I didn't even have a chance. Within a couple of hours, she had texted to ask if I would consider going on a mini vacation with them to M*rtle Beach for the weekend - "I would get you guys your own room of course, and you could bring a friend as well... We will take care of all expenses... Please please consider this... I really hope you take me up on the offer."
WHAT?!
It's a crazy request no matter what, but we had not even had any contact since late September... other than a short "Merry Christmas" text and a couple of texts the week before when she was trying to get some clothes to me for Elmer.
I didn't even know what to say. We already had plans that weekend, but even if we didn't... NO, I do not want to go hang out for the weekend out of town with you... NO, I do not think that is appropriate... NO, I do not trust you... and NO, I don't think you should have that much uninterrupted contact with Elmer!
I called the caseworker (JATH). She couldn't believe it and said she would call mom and talk to her. I told her I didn't mind responding to her, but could I tell her that JATH said it was not ok? She said, "Absolutely, you can tell her I said it is not ok!"
So I did, and then didn't get a response. Next I heard from her was about a month later when she wanted to meet up with his brothers. More to come...
Well, I didn't even have a chance. Within a couple of hours, she had texted to ask if I would consider going on a mini vacation with them to M*rtle Beach for the weekend - "I would get you guys your own room of course, and you could bring a friend as well... We will take care of all expenses... Please please consider this... I really hope you take me up on the offer."
WHAT?!
It's a crazy request no matter what, but we had not even had any contact since late September... other than a short "Merry Christmas" text and a couple of texts the week before when she was trying to get some clothes to me for Elmer.
I didn't even know what to say. We already had plans that weekend, but even if we didn't... NO, I do not want to go hang out for the weekend out of town with you... NO, I do not think that is appropriate... NO, I do not trust you... and NO, I don't think you should have that much uninterrupted contact with Elmer!
I called the caseworker (JATH). She couldn't believe it and said she would call mom and talk to her. I told her I didn't mind responding to her, but could I tell her that JATH said it was not ok? She said, "Absolutely, you can tell her I said it is not ok!"
So I did, and then didn't get a response. Next I heard from her was about a month later when she wanted to meet up with his brothers. More to come...
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
TPR Trial Court Date
The day after I wrote my last post, I got a notice in the mail
that the court date
for Elmer's TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) Trial
will be June 16th.
Thursday, March 30, 2017
Court
I am so far behind and have so many posts swimming around in my head (or on the draft table), but at least wanted to give an update of the Permanency Planning Trial.
Last we left off, we were waiting on a court date for a repeat Permanency Planning Trial. That date was finally set for March 1st, and I planned to attend. I typically do, but the last court date I was unable to go, and that was when weird things happened that no one could really explain. Foster Care Review Board was also scheduled for the afternoon of March 1st so I pretty much just took the whole day off.
We were the first case called. Dad's lawyer was there, and apparently mom's lawyer had asked to be relieved from the case (the second lawyer that has done so). But neither dad nor mom showed up. (Seriously?! If I were having a court hearing that concerned my child, I don't care how confident I was that things were going to go my way, or how convinced I was that things weren't.... whether I had a lawyer or not... my butt would be in that courtroom!)
The trial took all of five minutes, and the goal was changed to TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) only! Now we are still waiting on a court date for a trial to actually determine if the rights are terminated.
Foster Care Review Board also took all of about 10 minutes. They presented the case, nothing really has changed, and they still recommended termination of parental rights. (But remember, FCRB really has no weight in that decision, beyond what weight the judge wants to give it when he considers the case.)
And I found out later that mom had shown up for FCRB, but 30 minutes late, after everything was over. I'm not sure why she showed up to that but not to court, but it's all part of "logic in my world and yours is totally different..."
Last we left off, we were waiting on a court date for a repeat Permanency Planning Trial. That date was finally set for March 1st, and I planned to attend. I typically do, but the last court date I was unable to go, and that was when weird things happened that no one could really explain. Foster Care Review Board was also scheduled for the afternoon of March 1st so I pretty much just took the whole day off.
We were the first case called. Dad's lawyer was there, and apparently mom's lawyer had asked to be relieved from the case (the second lawyer that has done so). But neither dad nor mom showed up. (Seriously?! If I were having a court hearing that concerned my child, I don't care how confident I was that things were going to go my way, or how convinced I was that things weren't.... whether I had a lawyer or not... my butt would be in that courtroom!)
The trial took all of five minutes, and the goal was changed to TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) only! Now we are still waiting on a court date for a trial to actually determine if the rights are terminated.
Foster Care Review Board also took all of about 10 minutes. They presented the case, nothing really has changed, and they still recommended termination of parental rights. (But remember, FCRB really has no weight in that decision, beyond what weight the judge wants to give it when he considers the case.)
And I found out later that mom had shown up for FCRB, but 30 minutes late, after everything was over. I'm not sure why she showed up to that but not to court, but it's all part of "logic in my world and yours is totally different..."
Monday, January 30, 2017
Music Monday: Held
Elmer walks into the kitchen and says, "Mama, mama..."
Later that night, I cry because I am scared and anxious.
I had thought that we were waiting on a trial date for TPR. But last week, his caseworker told me that we basically have to have the exact same court hearing that we had in August. The one where they had made the permanency planning goal concurrent reunification and TPR/adoption. The one where I couldn't understand how reunification was even a potential goal since the parents have no treatment plan and DSS is "foregoing all reasonable efforts to reunite." Now she is telling me that before we can proceed to a TPR trial, we have to get the permanency goal changed to be TPR/adoption only. I get that, but what I do not get is why this did not happen in August. Nothing has changed, and they were actually less of parenting candidates in August than they are now. Which makes me nervous and scared and anxious. Because Elmer's parents visited with him four times in the first nine months he was with me, but they have now been very consistent with visits for the last three months.
Me to caseworker: So basically the court hearing in August was a waste of time and we are back to the same spot we were in then?
Caseworker to me: Exactly! I tried to tell the lawyer that then, but he wouldn't listen. (Now the county has a new attorney.)
So we have been legally stagnant for the last seven months, with no set court date for the next step yet.
I am scared. I worry that even though from the very first merits hearing over a year ago when the plan was to forego all reasonable efforts to reunite with parents, that a judge may look at the current situation and say, "But why didn't they get a treatment plan? But now we need to give these parents a chance."
It's a fine line knowing that the goal of foster care is reunification, and also knowing what I know about this case.
Do I think that Elmer's parents could be safe and appropriate parents at this moment in time? It's definitely a possibility. Do I think that Elmer's parents could be safe and appropriate parents consistently for the next 16 years and 8 months? It would take a miracle. Do I think that Elmer's parents deserve another chance given their past history and given the fact that they set him up in life with all the cards stacked against him? No.
But I have no clue how a judge is going to see it. And so I'm scared.
And then for some reason the thought pops in my head that until Elmer was a few months old, he never was completely settled unless he was being held.
I need to be held, too. And I can be. I pray that I will let myself be held by the Creator, so I can be settled and let go of my anxiety and fear.
Later that night, I cry because I am scared and anxious.
I had thought that we were waiting on a trial date for TPR. But last week, his caseworker told me that we basically have to have the exact same court hearing that we had in August. The one where they had made the permanency planning goal concurrent reunification and TPR/adoption. The one where I couldn't understand how reunification was even a potential goal since the parents have no treatment plan and DSS is "foregoing all reasonable efforts to reunite." Now she is telling me that before we can proceed to a TPR trial, we have to get the permanency goal changed to be TPR/adoption only. I get that, but what I do not get is why this did not happen in August. Nothing has changed, and they were actually less of parenting candidates in August than they are now. Which makes me nervous and scared and anxious. Because Elmer's parents visited with him four times in the first nine months he was with me, but they have now been very consistent with visits for the last three months.
Me to caseworker: So basically the court hearing in August was a waste of time and we are back to the same spot we were in then?
Caseworker to me: Exactly! I tried to tell the lawyer that then, but he wouldn't listen. (Now the county has a new attorney.)
So we have been legally stagnant for the last seven months, with no set court date for the next step yet.
I am scared. I worry that even though from the very first merits hearing over a year ago when the plan was to forego all reasonable efforts to reunite with parents, that a judge may look at the current situation and say, "But why didn't they get a treatment plan? But now we need to give these parents a chance."
It's a fine line knowing that the goal of foster care is reunification, and also knowing what I know about this case.
Do I think that Elmer's parents could be safe and appropriate parents at this moment in time? It's definitely a possibility. Do I think that Elmer's parents could be safe and appropriate parents consistently for the next 16 years and 8 months? It would take a miracle. Do I think that Elmer's parents deserve another chance given their past history and given the fact that they set him up in life with all the cards stacked against him? No.
But I have no clue how a judge is going to see it. And so I'm scared.
And then for some reason the thought pops in my head that until Elmer was a few months old, he never was completely settled unless he was being held.
I need to be held, too. And I can be. I pray that I will let myself be held by the Creator, so I can be settled and let go of my anxiety and fear.
To think that providence would
take a child from his mother while she prays, it's appalling.
This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held
The case will turn out the way it will turn out, and I know God has a master plan in it all. No matter what, both moms will need to be held because we both experience loss.
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