Highs and Lows

I had been waiting for a TPR Trial since our last court date on September 15th. 

And I had been waiting specifically for it to be yesterday for the last two months.

During that time, I have been anticipating that the ruling would be "Termination of Parental Rights."  And for the last several weeks, every time I have thought about that, I have gotten sad.  I want nothing more than for this little boy to be mine forever.  But it makes me terribly sad that his parents' rights have to be taken away from them in order for that to happen.  I'm not saying that is not what SHOULD happen, because neither of them has shown any capability to be a safe and successful parent, either before Elmer was born or since then.  But the overwhelming emotion for me in recent weeks when thinking about Elmer's TPR has been sadness - both for his parents and for his loss of his biological parents.

{During that time, I also have been anticipating that at least Bio Mom will appeal the TPR ruling.}

So when I walked into the courtroom yesterday morning, listened to the DSS attorney say that the case was being continued because the parents' lawyers were not served in the required time frame, and walked out less than three minutes later with no progress made on this case, the sadness rushed over me for an entirely different reason.

I am sure that we won't have a new trial until at least April or May.  I am so ready for this baby to have permanency and to know that he is never leaving.  And there is NO EXCUSE for the lawyers not to be served.  Parents, sometimes you can't find them to serve them.  Lawyers not being served, someone just didn't do their job.

So I went back to work after a nice big ice cream sundae, and less than two hours later got a call asking if I was interested in taking placement of a four-week old baby girl when she is released from the hospital later this week.  I told the worker I would call her back in 10 minutes after I determined if I could figure out childcare until she could go to daycare at 6 weeks.  When I figured out that I would only need help for next week because she will be six weeks old by the following week, I called the worker back and told her "Yes!"

Now we are in a holding pattern to see when she will actually be released, I have told Elmer that a baby is coming, and I am waiting to hold a sweet baby girl in my arms.

Life is Hard Right Now

These two sure can be cute! 

Snack break in their matching swim trunks at the pool

Banging on my bedroom door

But in reality, THIS is a more accurate snapshot of what life is like right now:

Elmer sing-songing "pizza, pizza" on the way home from my friend's house because we had had pizza there for dinner... and PB screaming intermittently the entire twenty minute drive home. 

Overall PB cries and tantrums a lot throughout the day.  He does not like the car - he intermittently screams every minute or two on most car rides, and is usually pulling at the shoulder straps of the seat, or pulling at his shoes when he does so.  I think he was probably rarely in a car seat - whether that be because he never went anywhere in a car, or whether because he was in a car but not made to be in a seat. 

He has no words other than "mama," "ball," and "uh-oh."  (And I am not convinced that he hasn't picked up those last two words since he has been here.)  But even more importantly, his attempts at non-verbal communication are virtually non-existent.  For example, we were at brunch yesterday and I took a fork out of his hand.  Just to get it out of the way, not because he couldn't have it.  He did not resist my taking the fork... but he did turn around in his seat and start screaming and having a tantrum.  Obviously he wanted the fork. But he made no attempt to communicate that before having a tantrum.  Most kids would first resist the fork being taken, then reach for the fork, then maybe fuss about it, and finally have a tantrum if they were still not getting the fork back.  He just jumps right for a tantrum.  Maybe in the past that was the only way that he ever got anything.  Maybe he knew that if something got taken away, he was never going to get it back so he might as well have a meltdown. 

If PB doesn't get what he wants immediately, or if I provide any direction whatsoever, he screams and throws out, including at times jumping, throwing his head back (and hitting it on the floor if I don't protect his fall), head-banging, or throwing himself into a wall.

A lot of his screaming centers around food.  If he sees food and is not getting it (like when I am trying to put leftovers on a plate and heat them up for dinner), he screams.  Or if I give the boys a snack in the car, PB devours his quickly but then gets mad and screams when he sees Elmer still with food and doesn't have any.  I assume that he probably didn't get food regularly, so when it was available, you better eat it fast because you never knew when the next meal was coming.

I have tried to take them outside, but it is stressful for me and usually not safe.  PB will run away and think it is funny when I try to get him (even if I just walk casually over to where he is rather than chase him).  And he is FAST, so it is not ok to let him wander too far just to see how far he would go, and I do usually end up having to run after him by the time it is all said and done.  (He was taken into DSS custody because he was found wandering, so I really don't think he would care about where I was, and would just keep going without any regard for me.)  And then when I go to get PB, Elmer usually thinks it is funny to run in the opposite direction.  I live in a townhouse so there is no fence, so it is just not safe to have them outside when they do that. 

Bedtime is rough.  I used to be able to just put Elmer down and he goes right to sleep.  But PB does not self-soothe well, and screams off and on, while tossing and turning for usually 20-30 minutes, and usually ends up crying straight for several minutes and I have to go up and help him situate himself before he can go to sleep. 

And they fight!  But not just toddler fighting over toys.  PB is very aggressive - bites, pulls hair, and/or tackles to get the toy he wants.  (I am realizing Elmer is pretty aggressive, too, but not to that extent.)

PB has had upper respiratory congestion pretty much the whole time since he arrived, and has coughed so much in the night that he has thrown up at one point.  Other nights he has not been able to go back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night, for up to 2 hours.  And the two have woken each other up at times (because of the coughing or otherwise).  Sleep has been hard to come by pretty much the entire last two weeks.

Things have already started to get a little better in some areas, and I'm hoping that as he is here longer, things will start to smooth out even more.   

Correction to TPR date

Remember when I posted that Elmer's TPR trial date was going to be June 16th?  I was wrong.  That is his TPR HEARING date.  So if either of his parents show up and contest DSS's recommendation to terminate rights, then there will have to be a separate court date to have a TPR TRIAL (I'm guessing probably 3-6 months later, based on recent history of how things have progressed with mine and other cases).  If the parents don't show up, the caseworker said they may be able to proceed with having the trial on June 16th and terminating rights. 

I had gotten excited thinking that we actually may have an adoption date this calendar year, but now it's looking again like we probably won't. 

My Heart Attack

This afternoon I got a voice mail (to my Google Voice phone number which I use for communication with bio's) from Tank's mom.  Tank's mom has never called me, and I don't think I even gave her this particular number. 


It said, "This is Tank's mom.  You took care of my son for a while.  I just heard the bad news about Tank.  I just wanted to say thank you for everything you did for him when I couldn't.  Please call me when you can."


My heart DROPPED.  What has happened to Tank?  I immediately texted Tank's aunt and asked what had happened.  And tears started to well up as I pulled up the online obituaries.  Something in her voice told me this was what it was.  I paused and said to myself, "I can't believe I am about to type in his name to search in the obituaries" and said a silent prayer that nothing would show up.  The search did not produce any results, so I breathed, but only slightly. 


In the next minute or so, I got a response from Tank's aunt saying, "Someone told her that he was dead.  That baby is just fine!  Somebody is very cruel to do that to her!"


And then the tears came gushing out in a release of emotion knowing that he is okay. 


I told her to give him extra snuggles for me tonight, and then I did the same with my baby here. 


Wow.  When I use and hear the phrase, "Foster care is a roller coaster", I never expected it would include something like this. 

It's Not All About Adoption

I have started this post in my head several times, from several different angles based on my then-current situation. 


First, in a position that I felt fairly confident that I will be able to adopt Elmer but just wasn't sure when.


Then, after court when mom named two more relatives, when there was a very real possibility that Elmer may be leaving me. 


And now, when it again looks more like I will be able to adopt him, but (although my brain has always known this) when I have the reality check that no matter what the case looks like, there is always a possibility that a child in foster care will leave.


But no matter what angle I was going to come at this post from, the message was always going to be the same: Foster care is NOT all about adoption.


In my interactions with other foster parents (both online and in person), I have discovered that there are some foster parents who are bitter, angry, and unsatisfied.  And I have discovered that these are usually the foster parents who are ONLY fostering to be able to adopt a child. 


We all have issues with The System.  Many of us have experienced situations where we are sad and angry (and frightened) that children are reunited with parents into a situation that we know is unsafe and the child is very likely to end up back in foster care (or worse).  But if the foster parents have the right mindset for foster care, the number one reason that they are sad and angry is because they fear that CHILD is not going to be safe; not because they are sad and angry that they won't be able to adopt them.   Of course, they may also be sad that they won't be able to adopt them, but that is not the primary thought. 


The goal for children in foster care (at least at the beginning) is always reunification, either with the biological parent(s) or with some other member of the biological family.  That goal may quickly change if the parents have walked away with no contact, or if they are in jail for the next 10 years for example, and there are no family members that are suitable to care for the child.  But most of the time, even a year (or sometimes three) into the case, the goal remains reunification.  The goal in even Elmer's case, whose parents have no treatment plan and have only visited with him three times in eight months, is still officially reunification. 


Foster parents have to enter into foster care with that understanding.  DSS is NOT an adoption agency, and should not be looked at as that by foster parents.  And the foster parents that have the attitude that they are only in it to adopt are miserable with foster care pretty much all the time.  They get mad with any decision that DSS makes toward reunification.  And they often close their home after a child they were hoping to adopt is sent back home. 


I am the first to admit that I would LOVE to adopt Elmer, and even that I hope that happens.  When his parents were not given treatment plans and no relatives stepped up to take care of him, I began to expect that I would adopt him.  And if I am not able to, I will be absolutely Heart.Broken and will have a lot of grieving to do. 


But even at the point that I was expecting to be able to adopt Elmer, I fully understood (and still do) that anything could happen, and that if family members came out of the woodwork that were able to care for him, they would move him to be with that family. 


So if you are considering foster care, PLEASE don't go into it with the sole purpose of adopting a child without the high-ticket price of a private adoption.  You have to be willing and able to support reunification, as long as it is a safe situation, EVEN IF that child would have what you consider a "better" life with you, a life with exposure to more experiences and opportunities.  If you can't support reunification, foster care is not for you. 


It is okay to want to adopt a child that you foster; but you also have to have the mindset that the primary goal is going to be reunification and that anything can happen at any point.  If you don't, you are destined to spend most of your time on the foster care roller coaster being bitter and angry.