1000 Days

As of today, Elmer has been in foster care for one thousand days.  That is entirely too long.  Especially for a case where the courts agreed to "forego all reasonable efforts" at just over 100 days in.

TPR trial was April 30th.  Mom tried to get it delayed by not showing up but her lawyer told her if she wanted to have any defense at all, she needed to get to the courthouse by the time her case was called. 

There are several cases scheduled for the same time and while the second was being heard, I was sitting in a pretty much empty lobby with only the caseworker and mom's lawyer.  I heard the phone conversation, in which mom's lawyer pretty much told her that she had no case.

"I'm a good lawyer, ma'am, but I'm not THAT good!"  

(When mom asked if there was anything she could do to get the case heard another day)… "I could go in there and tell the judge that you are on the phone crying, but that's going to go over like a fart in church!"

"You haven't DONE anything."

(When they asked about grandparents' rights so that the grandmother could get him)… "Ma'am, in South Carolina there are no grandparents' rights."

"He is in a stable home where he has been for the last 2 1/2 years and they want to adopt him."

"Your rights are going to be terminated today."

I mean, if your own lawyer is not even on your side, you obviously have absolutely no case.

Mom ended up showing up, got on the stand, and said she didn't feel she was currently in a state to be his parent but wanted her mom to have custody of him until she could get her life back together. 

Grandmother had been asked about taking Elmer back in January 2016 but declined to do so at that time.  DSS lawyer asked Grandmother when she got on the stand how often she has visited with Elmer.  She said she has been to visits "a few times." 

With very few people on the stand and very few questions during the trial, the judge ruled that rights would be terminated.  That by both the mother's and grandmother's own admissions, the mom is not able to be a parent right now.  That if she had not gotten herself together in the last 2 1/2 years, she was not likely to do so.  That it is not about what the mother wants or the grandmother wants, but what is in the best interest of the CHILD - and moving him from the only home he has ever known to a relative that he has only seen a "few" times would definitely not be in his best interest.  

So then we waited until the judge FINALLY got the TPR order signed about 2 weeks ago.  And now we wait 30 days after that to see if the parents will appeal.  I doubt that dad will... and I am hoping that mom won't, but expecting that she will...

I know that I have A LOT of catching up to do here.  One day I'll sit down to write more... Sierra is still here so life is definitely crazy busy!

Sierra

sierra.  (see-er-uh)  n.  1. a chain of hills or mountains, the peaks of which suggest the teeth of a saw.

Synonyms: bluff, cliff, elevation, peak, pile, ridge.

On the same day when I experienced a low on the foster care roller coaster (Elmer's TPR trial being continued), I also experienced a peak when I was called for a baby girl.  So Baby Girl's blog name will be Sierra.

Sierra is still in the hospital.  They anticipated discharge last Thursday or Friday, but things changed.  I have been able to go several days and snuggle with her.  She is such a sweet baby with squishy cheeks!  I saw her today, and unfortunately right now she is progressing backwards instead of forwards.  So it doesn't look like she will be released this week, either.  Hopefully she will get back on the upswing soon and can come home early next week, but the doctors say she is not really following any protocol so it is pretty much impossible to predict when her discharge will be.  Pray for Sierra to start making improvements and move her way out of the hospital!

Highs and Lows

I had been waiting for a TPR Trial since our last court date on September 15th. 

And I had been waiting specifically for it to be yesterday for the last two months.

During that time, I have been anticipating that the ruling would be "Termination of Parental Rights."  And for the last several weeks, every time I have thought about that, I have gotten sad.  I want nothing more than for this little boy to be mine forever.  But it makes me terribly sad that his parents' rights have to be taken away from them in order for that to happen.  I'm not saying that is not what SHOULD happen, because neither of them has shown any capability to be a safe and successful parent, either before Elmer was born or since then.  But the overwhelming emotion for me in recent weeks when thinking about Elmer's TPR has been sadness - both for his parents and for his loss of his biological parents.

{During that time, I also have been anticipating that at least Bio Mom will appeal the TPR ruling.}

So when I walked into the courtroom yesterday morning, listened to the DSS attorney say that the case was being continued because the parents' lawyers were not served in the required time frame, and walked out less than three minutes later with no progress made on this case, the sadness rushed over me for an entirely different reason.

I am sure that we won't have a new trial until at least April or May.  I am so ready for this baby to have permanency and to know that he is never leaving.  And there is NO EXCUSE for the lawyers not to be served.  Parents, sometimes you can't find them to serve them.  Lawyers not being served, someone just didn't do their job.

So I went back to work after a nice big ice cream sundae, and less than two hours later got a call asking if I was interested in taking placement of a four-week old baby girl when she is released from the hospital later this week.  I told the worker I would call her back in 10 minutes after I determined if I could figure out childcare until she could go to daycare at 6 weeks.  When I figured out that I would only need help for next week because she will be six weeks old by the following week, I called the worker back and told her "Yes!"

Now we are in a holding pattern to see when she will actually be released, I have told Elmer that a baby is coming, and I am waiting to hold a sweet baby girl in my arms.

TPR Trial Court Date, Take 2

Eight months ago, I posted that Elmer's TPR trial date was set for June 16th, 2017.

I had misunderstood at the time, and that date was actually for a TPR hearing.

Which then got "continued" until September 15th.

Which then the parents contested DSS's recommendation to terminate their parental rights. And Bio Mom requested the next court date be set for 3-6 months out so she could go to rehab, a request which the judge very quickly denied.

And here I am again posting that we have a TPR trial date set for February 5, 2018.  Almost five months from the last time we were in court, when the judge denied mom's request to delay trial for 3-6 months.

Neither bio parent has walked a straight and narrow path during the time Elmer has been in foster care, and both have made some poor decisions in the recent past.  So I am fairly certain the judge will rule that their rights will be terminated.  But then the parents have 30 days to appeal that ruling.  (And it is actually 30 days after the judge signs the paperwork, which is not always the day of court).  THAT is where the uncertainty comes in for me - I think there is at least a 50% chance that at least one parent will appeal.  I'm just hoping they don't and this child can get some permanency before his third birthday.

Pre-Adoptive Status

I went last week to sign paperwork to change Elmer's placement status from "foster home" to "pre-adoptive home."  That doesn't mean anything in terms of the progression of his legal case, or that anything has happened there to move us closer to adoption.  It just means that the primary goal of his case is TPR, DSS has filed a motion to the court to have a TPR trial, and that everything is in order for adoption once TPR is granted.

Apparently, it looks better at the TPR trial if DSS can say, "We have him placed in a pre-adoptive home - one that has bonded with him and desires to adopt him if parents' rights are terminated."

It means that I am the family that has been chosen for adoption. It means that once rights are terminated, I only have to sign a form and then I can proceed with getting a lawyer and filing for an adoption date.

What this meeting consisted of:
- The adoptions worker had written up a detailed summary of all of Elmer's information - behaviors, birth and other medical history, current functioning, sleep habits, etc.  And then had to verbally read it to me word for word.  (Funny how much of this information came directly from me, but yet they have to read it to me.)  I get why they have to do it that way - they don't want any adoptive family saying that they were not informed of a piece of information, or that they overlooked that piece in the written summary.  Many times, this meeting is the first time a potential adoptive family is getting any information on the child, and they have to decide whether to accept this child for adoption or not.
- The supervisor had a contract of what would happen after adoption, including continuing stipend, continuing Medicaid coverage, and all of the responsibilities of the adoptive family.  This document also had to be read verbally to me word for word.  Including phone numbers every time they were written out.
- Signing all of these documents, basically indicating that I have all this information, and I am willing to accept this child for a pre-adoptive placement.
- I also received two full manila envelopes of copies of all of Elmer's medical records (basically from the NICU).

Even though pretty much everything they read to me were pieces of information that I already knew, hearing some of the things in his history verbally read out loud, especially in summary form, hit me hard.  Made me sad for Elmer and all he had to endure before he came here.

I have not even tackled the medical information yet.  I want to read it word-for-word.  I'm sure I will have myself a good old cry over it, because my understanding is that there were times they were not sure if Elmer was going to live.

At least now I have a sigh of relief because it is official that I (and not someone else) would be the adoptive home once parental rights are terminated.

Still waiting on a court date for that to happen.

So Long

Elmer's TPR Hearing was again set for Sept 15th.

Bio dad did not come because he "couldn't get a ride."  Bio dad's lawyer wasn't there because of "traffic," but bio mom's lawyer had talked to BD's lawyer and would stand in.

BM named another placement option in court, including with name, phone number, and address... the paternal grandmother of Elmer's half-siblings (so, no blood relation to Elmer - and I thought to myself, "I'm just as much a relative as this person is, if not more so.")  The caseworker assured me they would not be moving Elmer there, even if she passed a home study.  {And turned out that when the caseworker called the "relative" to set up a case study, she said she was not interested in being a placement option.}

DSS moved for parents' rights to be terminated (TPR).  BM and BD contested.  Which means now it has to go to a trial for the judge to decide if rights will be terminated or not.  BM's lawyer said that BM was planning on going to rehab that day, and requested the TPR trial to be set 3-6 months out.  The judge did not pause even a second and said, "No, ma'am."

I thought that of course, in reality, the trial will likely be at least 3 months out anyway because it seems to take at least that long to get something on the docket.  As of now, a trial date still hasn't been set, so looks like I was right.

So still we sit here and wait.

Court Continued

We had Elmer's TPR Hearing court date on June 16.  The week before, his caseworker asked if I had heard anything from his mom, and said that when they tried to serve her at the address on file, someone said she didn't live there and they didn't have a current address.  (The address is her mom's house, so... yeah, right... they didn't have a current address!  And then when the caseworker finally got in touch with mom a couple of days before court, she gave the exact same address they already had on file!) 

So court was already continued (cancelled for that day) because they were unable to serve the mom.  But then there was also an issue with the state-appointed lawyers of mom and dad, so they had to get that straightened out as well.  So I think that court would have been continued no matter what. 

Mom ended up showing up about 15 minutes after court was over.  We talked, and she wanted to know if I would let her see Elmer if I adopted him.  I told her that as long as she was clean, sober, and safe, that I would allow contact.  She also asked if I would change Elmer's name.  I did not want to discuss this before the actual adoption, but I wasn't going to lie to her face, so I told her that yes, I would probably change his name.  (Separate post about the name change to come.)  She mentioned that bio dad says, "That's my Junior" but I mentioned that even if I didn't change his first name, his last name would change and so either way he would no longer be a Junior.  Mom also told me the street she lives on and a pretty good description of the house, and it is about five minutes from my house, so I am going to drive by and see if I can get an alternate address for Legal to use to serve mom next time. 

So now we wait... again... for another TPR Hearing date.  And I anticipate that parents will contest the TPR at that hearing, which would mean that we would have to go to a TPR trial.  Such a long process for a case where the parents never had a treatment plan!

 

PB

Last Wednesday at around midnight, I received a voicemail for a placement of a 1-year old and 5-year old.  I called the placement worker back on Wednesday morning and said that I could take the 1-year old if she hadn't found placement.  She had found someone to take them for the night, but was still looking for a permanent place for them.  She said the plan was for me to take the 1-year old if she couldn't find a permanent place for the two together, which she ended up being able to do. 

But when another one-year old came into care on Thursday, I think I was probably one of the first people she contacted since I had just said I would take a one-year old the day before.  I said I could take him, and around 5:45 that afternoon, "PB" (for "Peek-a-Boo" because he loves to play peekaboo and just laughs when he does) arrived from a county 1 1/2 hours away.  He is three months younger than Elmer but just as active. 

When I was getting the boys ready for bed, he climbed INTO the pack n play, which I figured did not bode well for him staying in it during the night.  And when it was bedtime and I walked out of the room, as suspected, he immediately climbed out of the pack n play and tried to open the bedroom door.  I did end up getting him settled that night into the pack n play, and he slept all night, but decided that even though he was only 17 months old, he would have to go into a toddler bed the next night.  One of my patients' moms had just given me a toddler bed a week or two before, so I was able to get it set up the next day.  He has mostly stayed in the bed, although getting to sleep has been a little rough (he usually tosses and turns for about 20-30 minutes, and often cries off and on as well). 

The boys have gotten along pretty well.  The first few days, they REALLY fought over toys, including some pushing, hitting, hair pulling, and biting; but this has improved in the last few days. 

PB didn't cry (except for bedtime) for pretty much the first two days.  Now he cries A LOT!  He is very easily frustrated and angered when he does not get his way (or even when he does not get something he wants IMMEDIATELY when he wants it), and jumps and throws himself on the floor.  This morning it was because I made him back up a little so I could get the gate open at the top of the stairs for us all to be able to go down them.  He doesn't say any words, other than "mama," so I'm sure this has something to do with his frustration level. 

He is really really cute, and smiles and laughs at times (especially when playing peekaboo), but is also very emotionally labile (totally as expected for this age). 

This Tuesday, PB coughed in his sleep so much that he ended up throwing up a little, so on Wednesday afternoon I took him to the After-hours pediatric clinic.  They said there was fluid on his ears, but no infection - yet.  (And then when we were at the pediatrician's office this morning, he said the ears were "about" to get infected so wrote a prescription for antibiotic.  Elmer was also checked on Wednesday (because he had had a low-grade fever on Tuesday afternoon), and both ears were infected again! First in 2 1/2 months, but still very frustrating.  So we have had a rough couple of nights sleeping-wise!

Overall, we are settling in!  I talked to the caseworker today, who doesn't have a whole lot of information.  But I have a feeling he will be here for a good while. 

This is Foster Care

Getting a call at 4:30 and responding that you will accept the placement.  Being told that the caseworker will call with more information.  The caseworker does not call, but finally shows up at the door at 8:30 with the child.  This is foster care.   (At least the child is the age that I was told... I've heard stories of a 6 year old showing up when they said they would accept a 2 year old!)

A little 22-month old who is scared to walk into a house.  Hugsy (the new little boy) resisted walking into both my mom's house and daycare on Monday morning (which was converted from a house), and made me pick him up.  The last time you walked into a house with the person you were most familiar with (the investigative caseworker), she left you with a complete stranger and didn't come back, so you don't really trust walking into a strange house anymore.  This is foster care. 

Hugsy crying in his sleep, which then wakes up Elmer, who points to the crib and says, "Happy...happy!" (wanting Hugsy to be Happy).  Elmer crying because I have to go take food off of the stove, which then wakes Hugsy up.  And then finally just putting a comforter in the middle of their floor and lying down with one on either side so they would both go back to sleep.  This is foster care.

Less than 72 hours after the child arrives, the caseworker picks him up and takes him back home after the probable cause hearing because the judge rules that there was NOT probable cause to remove the children.  This is foster care.  (At least I was told they were picking him up and was able to say goodbye.)

Correction to TPR date

Remember when I posted that Elmer's TPR trial date was going to be June 16th?  I was wrong.  That is his TPR HEARING date.  So if either of his parents show up and contest DSS's recommendation to terminate rights, then there will have to be a separate court date to have a TPR TRIAL (I'm guessing probably 3-6 months later, based on recent history of how things have progressed with mine and other cases).  If the parents don't show up, the caseworker said they may be able to proceed with having the trial on June 16th and terminating rights. 

I had gotten excited thinking that we actually may have an adoption date this calendar year, but now it's looking again like we probably won't. 

Calls Galore

It has been a heck of a roller coaster day!!

Around 1:30 I got a call from foster care placement saying they had a disrupted foster home - the foster parent was being investigated and the kids removed - and needed to place six children.  I recently gave my twin bed to Bop because his mattress was VERY old and lumpy.  So I told her I could take one if they could go in a crib.  She had a two-year old she needed to place, and I said I could take him.  A little over an hour later, she called back and said that she was able to find a home that could take both the 2-year old and his sibling, so he would not be placed with me.  BUT she has a 4-year old she would like to place with me.  I said no since I did not have a bed and a 4-year old is likely to outgrow a toddler bed very quickly. 

Then about 45 minutes after that (around 4:30), she called back again, saying she needed to place a 22 month old boy.  I again said that I could take him, and he finally arrived just after 8:30. 

I asked if he needed to eat, and she said that yes, he did.  (Um, was this child seriously in custody for four hours - surrounding dinnertime - and no one had fed him?!  I'm hoping this was not the case, but...)  I gave him some graham crackers and he just stared at them, picked them up (many times), tried to feed them to me, and a couple of times put one in his mouth but then acted like he didn't know what to do with it.  So then I gave him some yogurt.  He opened his mouth for that, but then made a face once the yogurt was in, like he didn't like it; but then he ate 6 or 7 bites of that, making a face every time it hit his tongue but otherwise seeming to like it.  He did drink some juice, and eventually started tearing up in the high chair so I got him down. 

He was overall clean except his feet were dirty and stunk (because he was wearing sandals), so I just gave him a quick swipe with a soapy washcloth (except I did scrub the feet!) and then put his pajamas on.  We walked back downstairs, and I held him on the couch in the mostly dark room, hoping he would go to sleep.  Well, he sat on my lap without hardly moving for at least 15 minutes but never even seemed like he was going to doze off.  My leg was falling asleep so I decided to try to put him in the pack n play (which I had temporarily put in my room, since Elmer was already asleep when they arrived and I had no clue if the new one was going to scream throughout the night).  He laid down without crying and I laid on the bed.  He laid there for about 30 minutes with me, playing with the stuffed dog I had given him, or tapping the canvas side of the pack n play, but never went to sleep.  I finally sneaked out of the room and if he noticed, he did not cry.  That was a little over an hour ago, and I am going to go up there to bed now.  I did check a few times and didn't hear anything coming from my room, but we will see if he is actually asleep when I go up. 

We will see how the "Twins" interact tomorrow!

Roller Coaster of a Week

It's been a roller coaster of a week, ending in this:

Meet Tank. (Blog name chosen for reasons that may or may not be obvious from this picture... but the child is four months old and weighs 20 pounds!)  Remember the four-month old that I said no to last weekend?  That's him. 

After I got the call last Saturday night, something told me that I should double-check with Evie's daycare to see if they had any unexpected openings for some reason.  And that if they did, I should call the placement worker back to make sure that they had found a permanent place for Tank.  Then Sunday afternoon, I was thinking about the fact that TT had said she would take another baby, and I wanted to check in and see if anyone had checked with her about fostering him.  I texted her and asked if she had gotten a call, and she said, "He's in my backseat as we speak."  I told her about my feeling that I should check with the daycare and then the new feeling that I should check with her. 

Tuesday evening, I got a text from TT asking if I ended up checking with my daycare about openings (I had, for future potential placements, and they said no space).  I asked if she had gotten him into her daycare, and she said that the situation looked like it might turn long-term (I think they had made it sound like it would just be a week or two), and the babies (Tank and Twin) both deserved more attention than she physically could give them as one person.  I said I would love to take him, and would check with the daycare to see WHEN the next spot would be opening up, and maybe she could hang in there until then.  The next morning, I also remembered that there is a daycare LITERALLY next door to Evie's that also takes ABC vouchers, and told her I would check with them to see if they had a spot.  I checked, they did, and by noon on Wednesday the plan was for me to pick him up on Thursday evening.  I went to my storage unit at lunchtime and got all the baby stuff.  Then by 2:00, when I talked to the caseworkers (mine and the child's caseworker who finally got assigned that day), the plan had changed.  Court was Friday (today) and the plan was for Tank to go with his biological dad, pending a negative drug test.  I said, "Wait a minute, I don't think TT would have been initiating a move if she knew this."  And I didn't want him to have to move Thursday night if he was just leaving Friday.  TT agreed it was best for her to keep him one more night.  So the plan changed to: he will either go home with Bio Dad on Friday, or he will come with me on Friday. 

The result - he is not going with Bio Dad (I don't know what happened there), and he is now here with me.  They said there are two other relatives that are wanting him, so it may only be another two or three weeks.  However, I have read enough of other foster parents' blogs to know that when things like that are said, they should be taken with a grain of salt!  So I'm just loving on him for whatever time he happens to be here!  It was kind of eerie, because from shortly after I got the call, something weird just told me that he was going to end up with me anyway. 

We made the transfer (and caseworker visit) before I picked up Evie from school to make things less chaotic.  After the caseworker left, Tank properly broke me in with a poopy diaper that exploded out of the top, getting poop all over the changing pad cover, his clothes, his back, and me!  So bathtime came early today.