Music Monday: Held

Elmer walks into the kitchen and says, "Mama, mama..."


Later that night, I cry because I am scared and anxious. 


I had thought that we were waiting on a trial date for TPR.  But last week, his caseworker told me that we basically have to have the exact same court hearing that we had in August.  The one where they had made the permanency planning goal concurrent reunification and TPR/adoption.  The one where I couldn't understand how reunification was even a potential goal since the parents have no treatment plan and DSS is "foregoing all reasonable efforts to reunite."  Now she is telling me that before we can proceed to a TPR trial, we have to get the permanency goal changed to be TPR/adoption only.  I get that, but what I do not get is why this did not happen in August.  Nothing has changed, and they were actually less of parenting candidates in August than they are now.  Which makes me nervous and scared and anxious.  Because Elmer's parents visited with him four times in the first nine months he was with me, but they have now been very consistent with visits for the last three months. 


Me to caseworker: So basically the court hearing in August was a waste of time and we are back to the same spot we were in then?
Caseworker to me: Exactly!  I tried to tell the lawyer that then, but he wouldn't listen.  (Now the county has a new attorney.)


So we have been legally stagnant for the last seven months, with no set court date for the next step yet. 


I am scared.  I worry that even though from the very first merits hearing over a year ago when the plan was to forego all reasonable efforts to reunite with parents, that a judge may look at the current situation and say, "But why didn't they get a treatment plan?  But now we need to give these parents a chance."


It's a fine line knowing that the goal of foster care is reunification, and also knowing what I know about this case. 


Do I think that Elmer's parents could be safe and appropriate parents at this moment in time?  It's definitely a possibility.  Do I think that Elmer's parents could be safe and appropriate parents consistently for the next 16 years and 8 months?  It would take a miracle.  Do I think that Elmer's parents deserve another chance given their past history and given the fact that they set him up in life with all the cards stacked against him?  No.


But I have no clue how a judge is going to see it.  And so I'm scared. 


And then for some reason the thought pops in my head that until Elmer was a few months old, he never was completely settled unless he was being held. 


I need to be held, too.  And I can be.  I pray that I will let myself be held by the Creator, so I can be settled and let go of my anxiety and fear. 

To think that providence would

take a child from his mother while she prays, it's appalling.

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held

The case will turn out the way it will turn out, and I know God has a master plan in it all.  No matter what, both moms will need to be held because we both experience loss.