1000 Days

As of today, Elmer has been in foster care for one thousand days.  That is entirely too long.  Especially for a case where the courts agreed to "forego all reasonable efforts" at just over 100 days in.

TPR trial was April 30th.  Mom tried to get it delayed by not showing up but her lawyer told her if she wanted to have any defense at all, she needed to get to the courthouse by the time her case was called. 

There are several cases scheduled for the same time and while the second was being heard, I was sitting in a pretty much empty lobby with only the caseworker and mom's lawyer.  I heard the phone conversation, in which mom's lawyer pretty much told her that she had no case.

"I'm a good lawyer, ma'am, but I'm not THAT good!"  

(When mom asked if there was anything she could do to get the case heard another day)… "I could go in there and tell the judge that you are on the phone crying, but that's going to go over like a fart in church!"

"You haven't DONE anything."

(When they asked about grandparents' rights so that the grandmother could get him)… "Ma'am, in South Carolina there are no grandparents' rights."

"He is in a stable home where he has been for the last 2 1/2 years and they want to adopt him."

"Your rights are going to be terminated today."

I mean, if your own lawyer is not even on your side, you obviously have absolutely no case.

Mom ended up showing up, got on the stand, and said she didn't feel she was currently in a state to be his parent but wanted her mom to have custody of him until she could get her life back together. 

Grandmother had been asked about taking Elmer back in January 2016 but declined to do so at that time.  DSS lawyer asked Grandmother when she got on the stand how often she has visited with Elmer.  She said she has been to visits "a few times." 

With very few people on the stand and very few questions during the trial, the judge ruled that rights would be terminated.  That by both the mother's and grandmother's own admissions, the mom is not able to be a parent right now.  That if she had not gotten herself together in the last 2 1/2 years, she was not likely to do so.  That it is not about what the mother wants or the grandmother wants, but what is in the best interest of the CHILD - and moving him from the only home he has ever known to a relative that he has only seen a "few" times would definitely not be in his best interest.  

So then we waited until the judge FINALLY got the TPR order signed about 2 weeks ago.  And now we wait 30 days after that to see if the parents will appeal.  I doubt that dad will... and I am hoping that mom won't, but expecting that she will...

I know that I have A LOT of catching up to do here.  One day I'll sit down to write more... Sierra is still here so life is definitely crazy busy!

Highs and Lows

I had been waiting for a TPR Trial since our last court date on September 15th. 

And I had been waiting specifically for it to be yesterday for the last two months.

During that time, I have been anticipating that the ruling would be "Termination of Parental Rights."  And for the last several weeks, every time I have thought about that, I have gotten sad.  I want nothing more than for this little boy to be mine forever.  But it makes me terribly sad that his parents' rights have to be taken away from them in order for that to happen.  I'm not saying that is not what SHOULD happen, because neither of them has shown any capability to be a safe and successful parent, either before Elmer was born or since then.  But the overwhelming emotion for me in recent weeks when thinking about Elmer's TPR has been sadness - both for his parents and for his loss of his biological parents.

{During that time, I also have been anticipating that at least Bio Mom will appeal the TPR ruling.}

So when I walked into the courtroom yesterday morning, listened to the DSS attorney say that the case was being continued because the parents' lawyers were not served in the required time frame, and walked out less than three minutes later with no progress made on this case, the sadness rushed over me for an entirely different reason.

I am sure that we won't have a new trial until at least April or May.  I am so ready for this baby to have permanency and to know that he is never leaving.  And there is NO EXCUSE for the lawyers not to be served.  Parents, sometimes you can't find them to serve them.  Lawyers not being served, someone just didn't do their job.

So I went back to work after a nice big ice cream sundae, and less than two hours later got a call asking if I was interested in taking placement of a four-week old baby girl when she is released from the hospital later this week.  I told the worker I would call her back in 10 minutes after I determined if I could figure out childcare until she could go to daycare at 6 weeks.  When I figured out that I would only need help for next week because she will be six weeks old by the following week, I called the worker back and told her "Yes!"

Now we are in a holding pattern to see when she will actually be released, I have told Elmer that a baby is coming, and I am waiting to hold a sweet baby girl in my arms.

Christmas letters

Every year, I write a letter summarizing my year to include with my Christmas cards.  As I was packing away my Christmas decorations, I came across the letter from last year.

"Elmer is still with me and is now almost 15 months old.  I am hoping to be able to adopt him.  Right now, we are waiting on the legal department to file for a court date for TPR (termination of parental rights) trial."

A year later, here is what my 2017 Christmas letter says.

"In terms of Elmer's status in foster care, a trial date for Termination of Parental Rights is set for February 5th. I feel fairly confident their rights will be terminated, but then the parents will have the right to appeal that decision, and it wouldn't surprise me if they did.  All my paperwork and approval has already been completed for me to adopt him, and I am hoping that will happen in 2018! (If the parents appeal, that probably won't happen, so all fingers/toes crossed that they don't appeal!)"

Has time just stood still for the last twelve months?!

TPR Trial Court Date, Take 2

Eight months ago, I posted that Elmer's TPR trial date was set for June 16th, 2017.

I had misunderstood at the time, and that date was actually for a TPR hearing.

Which then got "continued" until September 15th.

Which then the parents contested DSS's recommendation to terminate their parental rights. And Bio Mom requested the next court date be set for 3-6 months out so she could go to rehab, a request which the judge very quickly denied.

And here I am again posting that we have a TPR trial date set for February 5, 2018.  Almost five months from the last time we were in court, when the judge denied mom's request to delay trial for 3-6 months.

Neither bio parent has walked a straight and narrow path during the time Elmer has been in foster care, and both have made some poor decisions in the recent past.  So I am fairly certain the judge will rule that their rights will be terminated.  But then the parents have 30 days to appeal that ruling.  (And it is actually 30 days after the judge signs the paperwork, which is not always the day of court).  THAT is where the uncertainty comes in for me - I think there is at least a 50% chance that at least one parent will appeal.  I'm just hoping they don't and this child can get some permanency before his third birthday.

Pre-Adoptive Status

I went last week to sign paperwork to change Elmer's placement status from "foster home" to "pre-adoptive home."  That doesn't mean anything in terms of the progression of his legal case, or that anything has happened there to move us closer to adoption.  It just means that the primary goal of his case is TPR, DSS has filed a motion to the court to have a TPR trial, and that everything is in order for adoption once TPR is granted.

Apparently, it looks better at the TPR trial if DSS can say, "We have him placed in a pre-adoptive home - one that has bonded with him and desires to adopt him if parents' rights are terminated."

It means that I am the family that has been chosen for adoption. It means that once rights are terminated, I only have to sign a form and then I can proceed with getting a lawyer and filing for an adoption date.

What this meeting consisted of:
- The adoptions worker had written up a detailed summary of all of Elmer's information - behaviors, birth and other medical history, current functioning, sleep habits, etc.  And then had to verbally read it to me word for word.  (Funny how much of this information came directly from me, but yet they have to read it to me.)  I get why they have to do it that way - they don't want any adoptive family saying that they were not informed of a piece of information, or that they overlooked that piece in the written summary.  Many times, this meeting is the first time a potential adoptive family is getting any information on the child, and they have to decide whether to accept this child for adoption or not.
- The supervisor had a contract of what would happen after adoption, including continuing stipend, continuing Medicaid coverage, and all of the responsibilities of the adoptive family.  This document also had to be read verbally to me word for word.  Including phone numbers every time they were written out.
- Signing all of these documents, basically indicating that I have all this information, and I am willing to accept this child for a pre-adoptive placement.
- I also received two full manila envelopes of copies of all of Elmer's medical records (basically from the NICU).

Even though pretty much everything they read to me were pieces of information that I already knew, hearing some of the things in his history verbally read out loud, especially in summary form, hit me hard.  Made me sad for Elmer and all he had to endure before he came here.

I have not even tackled the medical information yet.  I want to read it word-for-word.  I'm sure I will have myself a good old cry over it, because my understanding is that there were times they were not sure if Elmer was going to live.

At least now I have a sigh of relief because it is official that I (and not someone else) would be the adoptive home once parental rights are terminated.

Still waiting on a court date for that to happen.

So Long

Elmer's TPR Hearing was again set for Sept 15th.

Bio dad did not come because he "couldn't get a ride."  Bio dad's lawyer wasn't there because of "traffic," but bio mom's lawyer had talked to BD's lawyer and would stand in.

BM named another placement option in court, including with name, phone number, and address... the paternal grandmother of Elmer's half-siblings (so, no blood relation to Elmer - and I thought to myself, "I'm just as much a relative as this person is, if not more so.")  The caseworker assured me they would not be moving Elmer there, even if she passed a home study.  {And turned out that when the caseworker called the "relative" to set up a case study, she said she was not interested in being a placement option.}

DSS moved for parents' rights to be terminated (TPR).  BM and BD contested.  Which means now it has to go to a trial for the judge to decide if rights will be terminated or not.  BM's lawyer said that BM was planning on going to rehab that day, and requested the TPR trial to be set 3-6 months out.  The judge did not pause even a second and said, "No, ma'am."

I thought that of course, in reality, the trial will likely be at least 3 months out anyway because it seems to take at least that long to get something on the docket.  As of now, a trial date still hasn't been set, so looks like I was right.

So still we sit here and wait.

It's Not All About the Kids

In a perfect world, the things that happen in the foster care system would all be based on what is best for the children.  In reality, that often does not happen.  Sometimes it is because procedures are set up otherwise.  Sometimes it is due to the huge caseload that the workers have.  Sometimes it is because logistics don't allow it (or make it much easier to do otherwise).  Sometimes people just don't care.

Some examples that I have personally encountered (or had local foster mama friends encounter) in the last six months or so:

I received a call for a 20-month old when Elmer was 18 months old.  I said that I would accept the placement.  I started asking questions, including if they already had the child in the office (often they are not there yet so it may take many hours before I am needed; and sometimes they don't actually end up needing placement in my home).  "Well, actually he is already in another home now, but they felt he needed more one-on-one attention."  Excuse me?!  This is my personal licensing worker so she has been to my home for my licensing visits and is familiar with my situation. 

I said, "Do you remember that I have an 18 month old in my home already?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Well, he definitely wouldn't be getting one-on-one attention, since that is such a demanding age."

"Well, that's just what the other foster family felt."

So I would think that, for the sake of that child, you should abide by that when trying to place that child.  I ended up saying that I was not comfortable taking placement of that child unless I could talk to the previous foster family and/or caseworker and determine if it would be a good fit for the child.  And they ended up finding another place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My friend got her first foster placement of a 3-year old.  After he had been with her for about a month, she knew they were having court and that there was a chance the child would be moved to the grandmother's home.  She tried to prepare the child that morning and told him that he might be going to stay with his grandmother but that she would pick him up and tell him goodbye.  She never heard anything from the caseworker, and then when she arrived at daycare to pick the child up, they told her that the caseworker had already come and picked him up to take him back to grandma.  Of course she was devastated she couldn't say goodbye, but was also sad and worried that the child had been scared or traumatized because he didn't know what was going on.  If it had been an infant, the child probably would not be affected one way or the other, but being that this child was three, he should have had a little smoother transition. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TT adopted Twin in Feb 2016, and then a new little girl (Spark) in Feb 2017.  In January 2017, when Twin's half-sister came into care, TT requested placement with her so the two sisters could be together.  It is pretty obvious this case will go to adoption as well, so shortly after Spark's adoption, TT called the adoption office to see what she needed to do to keep her adoption file current/up-to-date.  The adoptions worker's response?  "You know... we do like to give other people a chance at adoption!"  Because it's about letting people adopt, not what is best for the child - to be placed with a sibling and ultimately to be adopted by the foster mom who she has been with since she came into care.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So in early September, when I decided that it was just not going to work with PB placed here and that I needed to request new placement for him, I was VERY hesitant and nervous.  Especially because of the first situation that I described above.  I did not want them to just find him a warm bed to get him out of here.  Things were not so bad that he had to be moved "TODAY," so I wanted them to take the time to try to find a place that was going to be a good fit for both him and the family.  

I made the request to his caseworker, who said I also needed to let my licensing/placement worker know.  So I did (both via email and voice mail), on a Wednesday/Thursday.  Sunday night I checked my email (I usually only check personal email once or twice a week) to find an email from the licensing worker that I needed to call his caseworker and she would then contact Foster Family Licensing and Support.  Ok.  I already did, and YOU are part of Foster Family and Licensing Support!  So this is just the runaround.  And then it was Labor Day.  And then Hurricane Irma (almost) came through so all hands were on deck to make sure all the kids were taken care of for that.  So over two weeks later, I emailed to check and make sure the placement change for PB was still in process (and hadn't gotten lost in the shuffle of everything else), and was told "We continue to search for new placement for him." And then a few hours later, the caseworker called to say she would be picking him up later that day.  

Fast forward a few days when a new foster family posted in our Facebook group asking about daycare.  I figured out that this was the family who got PB.  And through private conversation, found out that they had been told he was 4 years old.  When a 20 MONTH old arrived on their doorstep and their age range was actually 3-6 years, they said he could stay but they would give it 30 days and see how it went.  

As of now (more than 30 days later), he is still in that home.  But it makes me SICK to think that he might have to get uprooted AGAIN because someone either A) lied about his age to get him placed, knowing this family's range was 3-6 years, or B) took so little time to get the details about the situation that she didn't even check his file for his age. 

Definitely NOT all about the kids.

I Want to Go to Disney World

Elmer LOVES Mickey Mouse, and really has for at least the last year.  The thought has been swirling around in my head for about six months now that I would like to take him sometime.  Then I thought, "Going in celebration of his adoption would be fun." 

I volunteer with a baseball league for kids with special needs, with many of my former patients.  Each spring, a local car dealership draws the names of ten players that will get a trip to Disney World.  This is an all-expenses paid trip for the child and three family members.  It amazes me that they continue to do this year after year.  This year, three of the ten winners were former patients of mine, and two of them posted a bunch of pictures of their trips this past weekend. 

Several other friends were also taking a trip to Disney this past weekend and posted pictures. 

I was so happy to see the moments of joy as these girls have the trip of a lifetime! And enjoyed looking at my other friends' pictures as well!  But every time I logged on and saw more Disney pictures, a part of me was sad that our Disney trip is not even on the horizon yet. 

Court Continued

We had Elmer's TPR Hearing court date on June 16.  The week before, his caseworker asked if I had heard anything from his mom, and said that when they tried to serve her at the address on file, someone said she didn't live there and they didn't have a current address.  (The address is her mom's house, so... yeah, right... they didn't have a current address!  And then when the caseworker finally got in touch with mom a couple of days before court, she gave the exact same address they already had on file!) 

So court was already continued (cancelled for that day) because they were unable to serve the mom.  But then there was also an issue with the state-appointed lawyers of mom and dad, so they had to get that straightened out as well.  So I think that court would have been continued no matter what. 

Mom ended up showing up about 15 minutes after court was over.  We talked, and she wanted to know if I would let her see Elmer if I adopted him.  I told her that as long as she was clean, sober, and safe, that I would allow contact.  She also asked if I would change Elmer's name.  I did not want to discuss this before the actual adoption, but I wasn't going to lie to her face, so I told her that yes, I would probably change his name.  (Separate post about the name change to come.)  She mentioned that bio dad says, "That's my Junior" but I mentioned that even if I didn't change his first name, his last name would change and so either way he would no longer be a Junior.  Mom also told me the street she lives on and a pretty good description of the house, and it is about five minutes from my house, so I am going to drive by and see if I can get an alternate address for Legal to use to serve mom next time. 

So now we wait... again... for another TPR Hearing date.  And I anticipate that parents will contest the TPR at that hearing, which would mean that we would have to go to a TPR trial.  Such a long process for a case where the parents never had a treatment plan!

 

Correction to TPR date

Remember when I posted that Elmer's TPR trial date was going to be June 16th?  I was wrong.  That is his TPR HEARING date.  So if either of his parents show up and contest DSS's recommendation to terminate rights, then there will have to be a separate court date to have a TPR TRIAL (I'm guessing probably 3-6 months later, based on recent history of how things have progressed with mine and other cases).  If the parents don't show up, the caseworker said they may be able to proceed with having the trial on June 16th and terminating rights. 

I had gotten excited thinking that we actually may have an adoption date this calendar year, but now it's looking again like we probably won't. 

TPR Trial Court Date

The day after I wrote my last post, I got a notice in the mail

that the court date

for Elmer's TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) Trial

will be June 16th. 

Adoption is Born Out of Loss

When I really think about it, hoping to adopt a child out of foster care is such a weird situation - especially when the parents are good parents at least some of the time. 


Meeting with Elmer's parents and seeing that they are good with him, and love him, brings some interesting thoughts to mind.  Hoping to adopt him is, in essence, hoping that they will lose their son.  Not that I think they should not lose their rights.  Their history (and even current actions) indicate that there is almost certainly no way they would be able to parent Elmer appropriately and safely 24/7.  But there are times, like in watching them with Elmer at the park, that it is obvious that they do love him and that they even have the potential to be good parents to him if they could ever break free from all of the demons that seem to have haunted them for many many years. 


So it makes me really sad that the only way for his adoption to happen is for these parents, that do obviously love their child, to lose their rights to him.  And for Elmer to lose the life of being raised by his biological parents. 


Adoption is a good thing.  It's even a joyous thing.  But we can't forget that behind the joy, lies tremendous loss for both the parents (whether they voluntarily give up their rights or their rights are taken away) and for the child. 

Permanency Planning Trial

Court for permanency planning for Elmer's case was scheduled for August 22.  It was "Standby Case B", meaning it would get heard if there was still time after the main case and Standby Case A. 


For "hearings," each case is on the docket for 15 minutes only, so any contested matters - i.e. if DSS and the family cannot agree - are "continued" for trial. For trials, they will take as much time as needed to present the evidence and for the judge to make a decision.  Hence, sometimes the standby cases get heard on trial day, and sometimes they don't.


Court was planned for a workday for me (the hearings are usually on Fridays, a day that I don't typically work). I had just been out of work sick for ten days a couple of weeks before, so I decided not to take more time off of work for a case that might or might not get heard. 


In the end, the case WAS heard and the caseworker texted me that they got the agreement that the plan would be TPR concurrent with reunification so that the parents would agree.  She said that DSS was still planning on going through with the TPR. 


I wish that I had been there so that I could have seen how things progressed to end up at that point.  I thought that because this was a TRIAL, that it was up to the judge to make a decision and that they didn't need to have the parents agree.  So I don't know if the judge just felt sorry for the parents and so said reunification would be a concurrent goal; or if it was just easier to proceed if the parents agreed; or if this is TRULY a concurrent goal. 


I have had a couple of people ask how those two things could be concurrent goals since they are polar opposites.  It actually is common to have those two goals together.  Meaning, the goal is reunification (as it almost always is in foster care), but knowing that there are often times when the parents can't get it together and so there is a backup goal of TPR/adoption - and all the preparation for the adoption side of things is done if the reunification does not work out.  I understand the concurrent goal as a general concept.  However, in this particular case, I have a hard time wrapping my head around reunification still being any sort of goal, since the parents don't have a treatment plan and agreed to "forego all reasonable efforts to reunite."  So then why is reunification still written down on paper?

It's Not All About Adoption

I have started this post in my head several times, from several different angles based on my then-current situation. 


First, in a position that I felt fairly confident that I will be able to adopt Elmer but just wasn't sure when.


Then, after court when mom named two more relatives, when there was a very real possibility that Elmer may be leaving me. 


And now, when it again looks more like I will be able to adopt him, but (although my brain has always known this) when I have the reality check that no matter what the case looks like, there is always a possibility that a child in foster care will leave.


But no matter what angle I was going to come at this post from, the message was always going to be the same: Foster care is NOT all about adoption.


In my interactions with other foster parents (both online and in person), I have discovered that there are some foster parents who are bitter, angry, and unsatisfied.  And I have discovered that these are usually the foster parents who are ONLY fostering to be able to adopt a child. 


We all have issues with The System.  Many of us have experienced situations where we are sad and angry (and frightened) that children are reunited with parents into a situation that we know is unsafe and the child is very likely to end up back in foster care (or worse).  But if the foster parents have the right mindset for foster care, the number one reason that they are sad and angry is because they fear that CHILD is not going to be safe; not because they are sad and angry that they won't be able to adopt them.   Of course, they may also be sad that they won't be able to adopt them, but that is not the primary thought. 


The goal for children in foster care (at least at the beginning) is always reunification, either with the biological parent(s) or with some other member of the biological family.  That goal may quickly change if the parents have walked away with no contact, or if they are in jail for the next 10 years for example, and there are no family members that are suitable to care for the child.  But most of the time, even a year (or sometimes three) into the case, the goal remains reunification.  The goal in even Elmer's case, whose parents have no treatment plan and have only visited with him three times in eight months, is still officially reunification. 


Foster parents have to enter into foster care with that understanding.  DSS is NOT an adoption agency, and should not be looked at as that by foster parents.  And the foster parents that have the attitude that they are only in it to adopt are miserable with foster care pretty much all the time.  They get mad with any decision that DSS makes toward reunification.  And they often close their home after a child they were hoping to adopt is sent back home. 


I am the first to admit that I would LOVE to adopt Elmer, and even that I hope that happens.  When his parents were not given treatment plans and no relatives stepped up to take care of him, I began to expect that I would adopt him.  And if I am not able to, I will be absolutely Heart.Broken and will have a lot of grieving to do. 


But even at the point that I was expecting to be able to adopt Elmer, I fully understood (and still do) that anything could happen, and that if family members came out of the woodwork that were able to care for him, they would move him to be with that family. 


So if you are considering foster care, PLEASE don't go into it with the sole purpose of adopting a child without the high-ticket price of a private adoption.  You have to be willing and able to support reunification, as long as it is a safe situation, EVEN IF that child would have what you consider a "better" life with you, a life with exposure to more experiences and opportunities.  If you can't support reunification, foster care is not for you. 


It is okay to want to adopt a child that you foster; but you also have to have the mindset that the primary goal is going to be reunification and that anything can happen at any point.  If you don't, you are destined to spend most of your time on the foster care roller coaster being bitter and angry.

A Sigh of Relief

At least for now. 


I finally talked with Elmer's caseworker today, after playing phone tag for a few weeks.  She said they did not end up doing home studies on the two relatives that mom named at court last month.  (From what I understood from her, though, neither was a blood relative to Elmer.)


The first was under the impression (from mom) that they would just be taking care of Elmer for a while until mom got him back.  When the caseworker explained that this would be a long-term arrangement, they were no longer interested.


The second apparently has not returned any phone calls to set up a home study. 


And I got a letter in the mail today saying that my home study had been submitted for consideration to be the adoptive family for Elmer. 


So I'm breathing a little easier tonight.

Case Update

Court was June 17th. 


This was both a merits hearing for dad (because he had not shown up the first two times, but court was continued due to the fact that he had a lawyer there), and a permanency planning hearing (to determine what the long-term case plan is). 


As far as the merits hearing, dad was present (maybe not of his own will) and did not contest that DSS was not offering him a treatment plan.  However, they did stipulate that dad could complete treatment on his own. 


As far as permanency planning, DSS recommended the permanency goal be changed to TPR and adoption.  Both parents contested that.  Because it was contested, now there has to be a permanency planning TRIAL for both sides to present testimony and the judge to decide what the permanency plan should be.  (As of right now, I have not heard a trial date.) 


* I did not know that there was a separate permanency planning HEARING and TRIAL.  I do remember a note on one of the previous court notices for another child, saying, "This is scheduled for 15 minutes.  Any contested matters will be continued for trial."  I will say that every time I go to court, I seem to learn something new.  At some point when I feel like I know enough to do so, I want to write a post summarizing the legal process and all of the things that can happen. *


And in the midst of the discussion about permanency planning, the bomb was dropped.  Elmer's mom has named two more relatives that need to be investigated to see if they are feasible placements.  Ugh.  Where were these relatives nine months ago?!  My guess is that they were not willing to take him when there was potential for him to have issues, and now that he is "fine", they are okay with it.  (Or I hope - selfishly - that maybe they are still not okay with it, and mom is just trying to buy time.) 


And it's now a month later, and I haven't heard any more information one way or the other about these other two relatives - if home studies have been completed, what the results were if they have, or if they have declined home studies (as at least one of the other relatives in the past did).

Is One Out of Three Acceptable?

I previously wrote about the start to the adoptions process in this post. I was able to attend the third day of "training" on the first Saturday of May.  (The first two days were already completed when I did my foster care training - this is a day specifically for adoptions, although most of what we went over I already knew from doing foster care.)  One of the discussions during the day was about the fact that when you adopt from foster care, you have to sign an agreement saying you will never use corporal punishment (including spanking) as a form of discipline for that child you adopt.  Although I signed a contract not to use corporal punishment for foster children, and although I don't think I would really use it much anyway as I feel there are many more effective forms of discipline, I was a little surprised to find out that this is dictated for a family even after an adoption has taken place.  The reason is that many of these children have endured physical trauma and/or abuse from their families in their lives, and corporal punishment is likely to trigger major issues for these kids.  But... it just seems that it might be something that no one could truly enforce once an adoption has happened. 


But I digress...


Then in June, Elmer's GAL (guardian ad litem) called saying that she needed to see him before court on the 17th; she gave me only a few days notice, so I had no choice but to have her go see him at daycare.  However, in seven months, she had not ONCE come to the house or seen me interact with Elmer.  I really wanted her to do that so that she could provide first-hand information about where Elmer should end up when it went to the adoptions committee to decide the adoptive family.  So we scheduled a visit for the following week. 


I was off all day on Wednesday, so I ended up scheduling a bunch of different things.  Elmer's adoptions worker (the one who no-showed or cancelled three times) was supposed to come at 9am, the GAL was supposed to come between 9 and 9:30, and the person completing my adoptions home study was supposed to come at 11am.  At 8:55am, the adoptions worker called and said she thought the appointment was at 9:30 and she would need to reschedule; I told her if she could be here by 9:30, to just come on.  I had planned all of these things for a day that I was off, and trying to find a different day that would work would be even harder than adjusting my schedule that day. 


She arrived at 9:30 and was gone by 9:45.  At this point, the GAL still hadn't arrived yet.  I called her to see if she was still planning on coming (as we hadn't set up an exact time), and she said she forgot about it because she had been out sick, but could be here in 20 minutes.  So we waited.  She as well was not here very long.  As soon as she left, I took Elmer to daycare so that I could get back for the adoptions home study.  She was the only of the three appointments that actually showed up on time. 


The adoptions home study was pretty much exactly the same as the foster care home study, except this lady asked a lot more questions that were not in the autobiography packet.  (I don't know if that was a difference between foster and adoption home studies, or just a difference in the two interviewers.)  I also had to ask the foster care home study examiner if she was going to look at the child's room; this adoption examiner asked to see practically every square inch of the house!  The laundry room, the backyard, the bathrooms, the linen closet, on and on. 


She also had to come back a second time as a formality (they said at the foster care home study that they usually come twice, but because I was single, they were able to complete everything they needed to in one visit).  She emailed me July 5th to let me know that she had submitted my home study to DSS that day.  From what I hear, it usually takes about a month for the state to give an answer about the license. 


As a reminder, this adoptions process is on a completely independent and separate timeline from the timeline of Elmer's case.  I actually had her complete the home study as a general one (not specifically for Elmer) so that it would still be valid if things do not end in adoption with Elmer.  (Separate post about Elmer's case coming.) 

Meet Elmer

For anyone new to the blog, this is 7-month old Elmer. 

7-month old with a high-risk history who has just started getting up on his hands and knees, and who has just learned to purposefully put his bib up over his face and pull it back down to play peek-a-boo. 

7-month old who is now one of the most "chill" babies I have ever seen, but once was a 6-week old who was never fully settled. 

7-month old who smiles all. the. time. but whose adorable smile I can't show you.  :(

Elmer is the fifth foster child that has been placed with me.  He is the first one that has had a primary plan of adoption.  The next step is another merits hearing that will be scheduled for dad in June sometime (he has not showed up for the first two).  The caseworker thinks they will be asking for recommendation of TPR (termination of parental rights) as well during that court date.  This case is going on way too long for one where the parents aren't even being given a treatment plan.

The Adoption Process

I got a call in late January from someone from our Region's Adoption Services, saying that she needed to meet with  me and Elmer. 


We set up a meeting for the first Friday in February (Fridays are my day off and when I try to plan all the foster care meetings and doctor's appointments, etc.).  She didn't show up.  I called her 30 minutes after she was supposed to be here.  She made an excuse, but really, I was gathering that she just forgot to put it on her calendar. 


So we rescheduled for the next Friday at the same time that Elmer's caseworker would be doing her monthly visit.  The day before that meeting, the adoptions worker called and said she thought she was working her part-time job the following Friday but it was actually the Friday we had set up our meeting... so she needed to reschedule.


I couldn't do the following Friday (because it was Twin's adoption day) so we set up an evening that week.  Two hours before we were supposed to meet, I got a voice mail from the adoptions worker saying that she had another appointment at the same time that she had failed to put on her calendar so she would have to reschedule. 


At this point, I was hot.  We had three different appointments already set up, and three times she had to reschedule (or no-showed), not due to unforeseen circumstances or emergencies coming up, but rather due to her NOT WRITING THINGS DOWN ON HER CALENDAR and not being able to manage her schedule.  I was already anxious to get the ball rolling because I didn't want there to be any hold-up if the judge recommended termination of parental rights (TPR) at the next court date, which I figured would be in April or so.  (Since then, I have learned we are nowhere near close to that point yet.)  So I called and left a not-so-nice voice mail saying I wanted to make sure she had checked and re-checked and re-checked again her schedule to make sure that we actually had the meeting this time, as I had already arranged my schedule three different times for this meeting.  When she returned my call, she had the nerve to say, "Well, I am trying to get this done on YOUR schedule.  Evenings are more difficult." [We had only scheduled one evening - the others were Friday afternoons.]


We FINALLY were able to meet up the following week.  Basically all that was done was that she asked if I was interested in adoption, I said yes and signed a form stating that and that said all the pre-requisites had to be completed in 90 days, and the adoption worker asked if I had contacted Adoptions Services yet to get the process started.  I said, um, no, I thought that's what you were here for.  Apparently not.  She gave me the name and number of the person to contact and I rode her phone for several days until I got in contact with her.  During our meet-up, the adoptions worker also said that once rights were terminated, they would put me with 2-3 other families to a committee who would decide who the child would be adopted by.  That the foster family usually is the one chosen, but that there are no guarantees.  I knew that this would be said (several other foster families had told me this), but even so, it still makes your gut drop. 


Once I talked with the Adoptions Services office, they set me up to go to Adoptions Orientation shortly after.  I went to that meeting, which basically was a lot of things I already knew, or discussing requirements I already had done through the foster care licensing process. 


At this point, I have filled out the few pieces of paperwork that were not included in my foster care licensing, and have emailed Adoptions Services to determine if they need the rest of the requirements or if they can get them from my foster care licensing file. 


This whole adoptions process is completely separate from Elmer's actual case.  Even if all the adoptions requirements are completed does not mean that adoption would happen any time soon after.  The parental rights would have to be terminated first, which may be on a completely different time frame than the adoptions process. 


I've been fostering for almost two years now, and there are still things that I have no clue about!

Four Months with Elmer

I am planning to do a series of more detailed posts on the following items, but I wanted to go ahead and give a quick update since I have been a bad blogger lately. 


A couple of days ago marked four months since Elmer was placed with me, and three days longer than I have had any other baby. 


Developmentally, he is doing GREAT.  He is ahead of his age with pretty much all his milestones.  He belly laughs all the time! 


Medically, he has still struggled with ear infections and just last week, the doctor decided to proceed with ear tubes in a few weeks.


As far as the case goes, I am hoping to be able to adopt him.  Bio Mom was not offered a treatment plan, and has been to court during which she agreed to this.  Bio Dad did not show up to that court date in January, nor to the previous court date that was held before Elmer was placed with me, so he still has not had his merits hearing.  They have to have that before they can recommend termination of parental rights... I'm not sure how many times Bio Dad has to not show up before they move on without him. 


He is so happy now - always smiling.  And he is so chill - he hardly ever cries unless he is tired or hungry.  I long ago fell head over heels in love with him.  He's such a sweet and fun baby to have around, and I hope things stay that way forever.