I'm the Lucky One

This morning I strapped sweet Tank into the caseworker's car and watched him drive away ran inside and had a good cry.  (Side note: The caseworker had NO CLUE how to get the carseat oriented properly, or how to strap him in correctly.  This is not the first time that kind of thing has happened.  Carseat installation and safety really should be a mandatory training for all DSS workers.)

About 30 minutes before the caseworker was set to arrive, Tank started getting really fussy.  I gave him a jar of food, but he was still fussy.  I knew if I laid him down in his crib, he would fall asleep.  But I wasn't letting that baby out of my sight for one minute today until I had to.  So we snuggled, and he finally fell asleep in my arms five minutes before the caseworker was supposed to be here.  Thank goodness she was late, so this is how I spent my last thirty minutes with him:

 

This is my first experience with goodbye in the foster care system, but I know it won't be my last.  I knew this was part of foster care when I signed up for it; but that doesn't make things any easier.  I also even knew that it was just a matter of time before I had to give Tank up, but I still cried all week.  Oh, how it hurts.  But I would not trade one minute I got to spend with him to take away the pain right now. 

 

Lots of people have told me how lucky he was to have me in his life.  But that baby was a blessing and a JOY to have here for almost four months; and in reality, I was the lucky one to have been placed with him.  I was lucky that I got to have such a sweet soul in my house for four months.  That I was the one that got to watch him blossom from a baby who pushed away when you held him to one who turned around to snuggle into my chest when he was ready to go to sleep.  That I got to watch him learn and grow, to see the first time he rolled over, got up on hands and knees, transitioned back to sitting, started crawling and pulling up to his knees (and twice to his feet), and started clapping.  That I was the one that got to see other milestones - his first baby food and his first tooth.  That I got to listen to that infectious laugh every day he was here.  That I got to see his little personality develop.  Even that I was the one that got to nurse him when he had four ear infections in eight weeks, and to change all the nasty diapers that came with the antibiotics. 

 

I will cherish every snuggle, every belly laugh, every smile, and every facial expression for the rest of my life.