As Tigger and I adjusted to each other, I began to think about different behaviors in my foster children and how, at the time, you just have no clue if they are due to trauma, their (non-traumatic) previous experience, or just to their personality. As the days go on, and as the behaviors begin to change (or not to change), it starts to become a little more clear what their cause might be.
It is especially difficult to tease this out with an infant when they have no words to give you clues; but even Evie at 4 1/2 years old had confusing behaviors. Some I initially attributed to her personality but later realized they may be due to trauma. She asked A LOT of questions and needed a lot of attention. I think a lot of that was just her personality but especially the questions were fueled a lot by anxiety as well, as they definitely slowed down as she became more settled and comfortable.
You never know what to think about an infant's sleep habits - it's especially difficult because you generally have NO CLUE what their sleeping and eating schedule was before arriving. Are they needing to be rocked to sleep because that's what they are used to, or because they are feeling insecure since they have just been ripped out of the only home they have ever known? I absolutely believe that infants, even at four months, sense that their world has just been shaken and know that something is different. With Machine Gun, it was obvious that he knew he was in a strange place and didn't want to be put down because he had no clue where he was or who he was with. For the first couple of weeks that Tigger was here, he would wake back up crying every night about half an hour after he went to sleep (not just laid down but was actually asleep). At first I thought that it was always about that time that he would turn his head and lose his pacifier and then start crying. However, one night that behavior just stopped - I think he finally just got settled with his sleeping. Tank would grip onto me and not want to be put down when I tried to lay him down in his crib; and then I would just want to hold him and rock him because I thought it was highly likely that no one had ever snuggled him to sleep before.
You also don't know about their eating habits. Initially Tank would arch his head back when he was drinking a bottle and his feeding sounded unsafe. I thought he might have had problems with his swallow, but then his feeding was normal. I realized that he had probably been laid on the floor with a bottle propped up to eat, and he was used to having his head hyperextended as he sucked on a bottle; and had no clue how to coordinate his swallowing with his head flexed forward as it was when I held him cradled in my arms as he ate. And at first I thought Tigger had reflux because he would arch his back and scream during or after his feedings sometimes; that, too, disappeared... making me think that it may have just been due to him not being comfortable in his surroundings.
And then there are other behaviors. For example, Tigger would SCREAM every time as his car seat was buckled up - and then stop pretty much afterwards. I wondered if that was just his personality or if it was something deeper - like, did he know that every time he got buckled in a car seat, someone different (sometimes someone who wasn't safe for him) would take him; or was he left buckled in a car seat all day long and was scared he would never get out every time he got buckled in? This behavior, too, decreased significantly after a couple of weeks as Tigger became more settled. Tank would not snuggle as he was going to sleep - he would become stiff and arch his back while I was holding him before bedtime - and then he ended up being a snuggler.
I don't have the answers. And I know every situation will be different. My natural instinct is to have "tough love" and just power through the behaviors with consistent responses and consequences from me, since that is what works well with the children in my work and my life. But I do realize that in many situations with a new foster child, that child just needs love and comfort and security, even if that means that the rules and situations stay flexible for a time. In the future, I need to try really hard to consciously tell myself that it is better to err on the side of being too soft with these kids in the first few weeks than too rigid. They deserve it.
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