They Are So Inconsistent

Elmer had another visit with his parents on August 25th.  It was shocking that they visited TWICE in one month!  That weekend, his mom texted me, saying they had meant to send back diapers and wipes with him at the visit, and could we meet up at the park the next day for them to get them to us.  We actually had a busy day that day, so I told her I would touch base later in the week about possibly meeting up the next weekend. 


Not that I WANTED to meet up with his mom and/or dad.  But I knew that doing so would be best for everyone involved, in the end.  If I end up adopting him, it is good for them to see Elmer with me and see that he is happy and how much he loves me (and how much I love him).  And if, heaven forbid, he somehow ends up back with them, I need to see them with him and try to have some sort of relationship so I can maintain some sort of contact. 


So we ended up meeting up at the park on September 4th.  Elmer's mom, dad, and maternal grandmother were all there.  They were all very good with him.  I tried to stay far enough back where I could interact with the adults a little, but where Elmer would not really see me - because I knew he would want me if he did.  Which is exactly what happened when I walked over to look at his ear draining; but I was able to step back again and he was fine. 


We had somewhere else to be so had a reason to leave after about an hour.


And then the caseworker (JATH) told me they had a visit scheduled at the DSS office that Thursday, September 8th.  She came and picked him up and took him to the office, and then the parents didn't show up.  She said she followed through with the visit even though they had not confirmed the night before, because they had been consistent lately. 


And then there was another visit scheduled for today, and JATH said she would let me know yesterday if they had confirmed.  I assumed she would NOT come pick him up if there was no confirmation this time.  I never heard anything, and Elmer was never picked up for a visit. 


I'm pretty sure that the last two visits were not just scheduled by DSS where the mom may not have been aware or actually wanting them.  JATH had told me one time a while back that she was not setting up visits unless the mom requested them (every other week is standard for this county, unless the court orders more often).  So I'm pretty sure the mom initiated these visits, but then didn't follow through with a confirmation once the date actually came.  I'm just glad that Elmer didn't have to get in the car for an hour round-trip for a visit that didn't happen; and that he has no clue that his parents are flaking out on him. 

Who Thinks That's Okay?

Elmer had a visit last week with his mom and dad.  He was supposed to have a visit the week before, but mom cancelled it.  The caseworker told me that mom and dad are both still under the impression that they are getting him back.  But that they both have had lawyers the whole time, so they should understand what it meant when they agreed to DSS's plan to "forgo all reasonable efforts to reunite."


They brought him diapers and wipes, a bunch of clothes from The Children's Pl*ce (I always wonder where the money for all these expensive clothes comes from), and a few other things, including this:

Yes, those are wires hanging out the back of the toy.  I honestly can't figure out why, unless the toy was made defective.  But who thinks this is okay to give a child?!

They Just Don't Know

Elmer's mom called JATH and asked for a visit with him.  She set it up for Friday.  Since I was off of work, I said that I would at least take him to the visit and meet the mom.  I debated whether I should go back into the visit or just wait in the lobby.  I asked a couple of foster mom friends who have taken kids to visits (Sunshine always picked up Evie from school and took her to the visits; I did take Tigger to the visit with his relatives, but just dropped him off.)  One said that she typically stays in the lobby and reads a book during the visit.  The other says if she takes the child, she goes back to the visit with them and tries to engage the parent, "because, you know, I have their kid."  I had decided that I would go back for at least 10 or 15 minutes and then I would see how it was going to decide if I would stay longer.  I printed out a few cute pictures of Elmer for his mom. 


And then she didn't show up. 


I'm so glad that Elmer had no clue that she had not come. 


JATH also told me today that the relative they were supposed to do the home study on was not interested in a home study.  From what I gather, the mom named this relative but the relative never consented to take Elmer.  She said she is not capable of caring for a baby (and for a legitimate reason). 


Even though I understand the relative's reasoning, she and Elmer's mom just have no idea what they are missing out on with this precious baby.

One Month with Tigger

Tigger has been here a little over a month and has adjusted really well.  He is so laid-back and generally only cries when he is tired or hungry.  He overall seems happier than when he got here (although he was pretty darn happy even then!) - I guess a better choice of words would be "more settled." 

He turned six months old, and now is army crawling EVERYWHERE, including into the bottom of the Exersaucer.  He will make a beeline to any shoe or cord.  He is still working on sitting - if he actually sits STILL, he can balance himself for several minutes; but he is usually trying to get some toy or wave his arms around and ends up falling over.  He still only has the two teeth he arrived with, but these are more fully grown in now.  And just last night he really discovered the fun of splashing in the bathtub!

He sat here for almost five minutes, entertained by me

moving my toes and banging my thighs to the music.

He goes to bed between 7 and 8 pm.  He wakes up one time during the night to eat, around 12:30-1:30, and then goes right back to sleep.  (He did sleep all night - until 5:45 - one time, but that hasn't happened since.)  He has started holding his bottle, but not for the whole feeding yet. 

He loves my cat, Pumpkin; Pumpkin is jealous - he often climbs in my lap while I am holding Tigger. 

He started crawling after Pumpkin, and

Pumpkin had to take shelter behind the table.

He is so attentive and interactive.  I have a board book that has real pictures of babies - each page is a baby doing a different thing.  One day, he was "talking" to the baby on each page.  He would look at the baby, smile, and make 2-3 "talking" noises to it; and then would repeat on the next page.  Something interesting was that he did not consistently "talk" to two of the babies - one that was looking down at the book so you can't see the eyes; and one that was a full-length picture so the eyes were not as obvious as in some of the other pictures. 

Cute Tiger Butt

After a little more than a week, we ended up in the doctor's office with a fever (which turned out to be just a virus), and he tore the table up!

 

 

He will grab my face and give the sweetest kisses!

 

 

He had a visit with his grandmother and aunt yesterday, and my understanding is that they are trying to get full custody of him.  He is such a good baby, and I will hate to lose him; but I am so glad that he has people in his life that are fighting to get him.  (It is so sad to me that so many of these kids have parents who can't show up to a visit for months on end, and have no one else that really cares to visit them.) 

 

Visit Emotions

Evie had a visit today with her mom and dad. 

 

And, yet again, for the third time out of the last four visits... about 2 hours after bedtime, I hear crying from upstairs.  When I walk up there, Evie is still sound asleep - and crying. 

 

I know the effects of visits could be so much worse. 

 

But my heart hurts.

Smoke

Evie had a visit with her mom today.  She got three pre-made Easter baskets and an Easter bucket; and a dress from her grandmother.  I always sit down with her when she comes home to catalog everything she gets.  Everything smelled like smoke (it always does).   When I pulled the Easter grass out of the bucket to see what was at the bottom, the smell took my breath away, and I involuntarily made some sort of face.  Evie said, "What happened?"  I said, "Nothing... It just smells like smoke."  I know I shouldn't have said that; it just came out.  So then she smelled it and said, "Yeah, ewww, it smells like smoke."  I told her I thought it was just the grass and that we would throw the grass away.  Then before she went to bed, I had her try on the dress to make sure it fit before I took the tags off and washed it.  When she put it on, she said, "This smells like smoke, too." 

At this point, I'm kind of glad she is not talking to her mom every night because I'm sure that Evie would make some comment like "The stuff you gave me smelled like smoke" the next time she talked to her.  Hopefully, by the next conversation they have, Evie will have forgotten about that. 

I do not like the fact that everything that comes in the house reeks of smoke.  But the saddest thing is thinking, as I'm putting the dress into the laundry, "This is what Evie would go to school smelling like if she is with her mom." 

First Day of Spring

I meant to post this back on the first day of spring, March 20. 

I had this conversation with Evie the week before about how we didn't know when she would be going home because the judge had to decide that (after she had gotten in her head that she was going home in spring). 

I thought that was the end of it for a while, but on the way to school on the first day of spring, Evie said, "Yay!  It's the first day of spring!  The judge is going to say if I can go back to my mommy today!"  I told her that no, it wasn't going to be today.  I even told her that it wasn't going to be anytime soon (knowing that at minimum it will be mid-May).  Maybe I shouldn't have said that, but I know that two months is an eternity for a five-year-old with no concept of time and didn't want her to get her hopes up for anything soon. 

Of course, at the last visit she had with family, her mom and grandmother told her that she would be coming home soon... and even said to the caseworker who was supervising the visit, "Right?  Ask Sunshine*.  She'll tell you you'll be home soon."  Sunshine didn't confirm this but Evie's mom has been telling her for the last TEN months that she will be home "real soon" so I can't imagine the turmoil that is going on in Evie's mind. 

For everyone's sake, I hope it is actually "real soon" in May.

* I haven't given Evie's caseworker a blog name before, but she truly is a ray of Sunshine - always positive, sweet, and smiling.  I got very lucky to have such a wonderful person be my first experience with a caseworker in the foster care system.

Bad Dreams

Yesterday Evie had a visit with her mom. 

Last night I heard her crying in her sleep before I went to bed. 

(Two weeks ago when she had a visit with mom, she was crying in her sleep that night, too.)

I walked in the room and roused her enough for her to open her eyes briefly, roll over, and go back to sleep.  And then I proceeded to cry.  For just a second.  Until the cat jumped on top of her and I had to shoo him away. 

This morning I asked her how she slept ("good") and if she had any dreams last night ("no").  And I looked up to the heavens and said a silent "thank you" that she didn't remember any of it. 

Get it together, mom, get it together.  Your child needs you.

Emotions - Again

Evie is going through another phase of crying a lot, starting after a visit with mom on Tuesday.  She woke up in the middle of the night that night crying that she wanted her mom.  Last night we were over at some friends' house for New Years Eve, and when we called her mom, she didn't really want to talk because she wanted to get back to playing with her friend.  Her mom started crying, and then the grandmother got on the phone and fussed at her for not talking to her mom; which then made Evie start crying once mom got back on the phone, and saying, "Mommy, I want you!!" (I'm certain all stirred up from the grandmother's fussing - she was totally fine and happy before that.)  (We call her mom every night, but be certain that after that drama last night, we will not be calling again on a night that we are not home and in routine.)  Tonight when talking to her mom on the phone, she started crying and asking when she was going to get to go back home with her mom. 

This usually goes in waves, so hopefully she'll be settled out again soon.