1000 Days

As of today, Elmer has been in foster care for one thousand days.  That is entirely too long.  Especially for a case where the courts agreed to "forego all reasonable efforts" at just over 100 days in.

TPR trial was April 30th.  Mom tried to get it delayed by not showing up but her lawyer told her if she wanted to have any defense at all, she needed to get to the courthouse by the time her case was called. 

There are several cases scheduled for the same time and while the second was being heard, I was sitting in a pretty much empty lobby with only the caseworker and mom's lawyer.  I heard the phone conversation, in which mom's lawyer pretty much told her that she had no case.

"I'm a good lawyer, ma'am, but I'm not THAT good!"  

(When mom asked if there was anything she could do to get the case heard another day)… "I could go in there and tell the judge that you are on the phone crying, but that's going to go over like a fart in church!"

"You haven't DONE anything."

(When they asked about grandparents' rights so that the grandmother could get him)… "Ma'am, in South Carolina there are no grandparents' rights."

"He is in a stable home where he has been for the last 2 1/2 years and they want to adopt him."

"Your rights are going to be terminated today."

I mean, if your own lawyer is not even on your side, you obviously have absolutely no case.

Mom ended up showing up, got on the stand, and said she didn't feel she was currently in a state to be his parent but wanted her mom to have custody of him until she could get her life back together. 

Grandmother had been asked about taking Elmer back in January 2016 but declined to do so at that time.  DSS lawyer asked Grandmother when she got on the stand how often she has visited with Elmer.  She said she has been to visits "a few times." 

With very few people on the stand and very few questions during the trial, the judge ruled that rights would be terminated.  That by both the mother's and grandmother's own admissions, the mom is not able to be a parent right now.  That if she had not gotten herself together in the last 2 1/2 years, she was not likely to do so.  That it is not about what the mother wants or the grandmother wants, but what is in the best interest of the CHILD - and moving him from the only home he has ever known to a relative that he has only seen a "few" times would definitely not be in his best interest.  

So then we waited until the judge FINALLY got the TPR order signed about 2 weeks ago.  And now we wait 30 days after that to see if the parents will appeal.  I doubt that dad will... and I am hoping that mom won't, but expecting that she will...

I know that I have A LOT of catching up to do here.  One day I'll sit down to write more... Sierra is still here so life is definitely crazy busy!

Highs and Lows

I had been waiting for a TPR Trial since our last court date on September 15th. 

And I had been waiting specifically for it to be yesterday for the last two months.

During that time, I have been anticipating that the ruling would be "Termination of Parental Rights."  And for the last several weeks, every time I have thought about that, I have gotten sad.  I want nothing more than for this little boy to be mine forever.  But it makes me terribly sad that his parents' rights have to be taken away from them in order for that to happen.  I'm not saying that is not what SHOULD happen, because neither of them has shown any capability to be a safe and successful parent, either before Elmer was born or since then.  But the overwhelming emotion for me in recent weeks when thinking about Elmer's TPR has been sadness - both for his parents and for his loss of his biological parents.

{During that time, I also have been anticipating that at least Bio Mom will appeal the TPR ruling.}

So when I walked into the courtroom yesterday morning, listened to the DSS attorney say that the case was being continued because the parents' lawyers were not served in the required time frame, and walked out less than three minutes later with no progress made on this case, the sadness rushed over me for an entirely different reason.

I am sure that we won't have a new trial until at least April or May.  I am so ready for this baby to have permanency and to know that he is never leaving.  And there is NO EXCUSE for the lawyers not to be served.  Parents, sometimes you can't find them to serve them.  Lawyers not being served, someone just didn't do their job.

So I went back to work after a nice big ice cream sundae, and less than two hours later got a call asking if I was interested in taking placement of a four-week old baby girl when she is released from the hospital later this week.  I told the worker I would call her back in 10 minutes after I determined if I could figure out childcare until she could go to daycare at 6 weeks.  When I figured out that I would only need help for next week because she will be six weeks old by the following week, I called the worker back and told her "Yes!"

Now we are in a holding pattern to see when she will actually be released, I have told Elmer that a baby is coming, and I am waiting to hold a sweet baby girl in my arms.

TPR Trial Court Date, Take 2

Eight months ago, I posted that Elmer's TPR trial date was set for June 16th, 2017.

I had misunderstood at the time, and that date was actually for a TPR hearing.

Which then got "continued" until September 15th.

Which then the parents contested DSS's recommendation to terminate their parental rights. And Bio Mom requested the next court date be set for 3-6 months out so she could go to rehab, a request which the judge very quickly denied.

And here I am again posting that we have a TPR trial date set for February 5, 2018.  Almost five months from the last time we were in court, when the judge denied mom's request to delay trial for 3-6 months.

Neither bio parent has walked a straight and narrow path during the time Elmer has been in foster care, and both have made some poor decisions in the recent past.  So I am fairly certain the judge will rule that their rights will be terminated.  But then the parents have 30 days to appeal that ruling.  (And it is actually 30 days after the judge signs the paperwork, which is not always the day of court).  THAT is where the uncertainty comes in for me - I think there is at least a 50% chance that at least one parent will appeal.  I'm just hoping they don't and this child can get some permanency before his third birthday.

So Long

Elmer's TPR Hearing was again set for Sept 15th.

Bio dad did not come because he "couldn't get a ride."  Bio dad's lawyer wasn't there because of "traffic," but bio mom's lawyer had talked to BD's lawyer and would stand in.

BM named another placement option in court, including with name, phone number, and address... the paternal grandmother of Elmer's half-siblings (so, no blood relation to Elmer - and I thought to myself, "I'm just as much a relative as this person is, if not more so.")  The caseworker assured me they would not be moving Elmer there, even if she passed a home study.  {And turned out that when the caseworker called the "relative" to set up a case study, she said she was not interested in being a placement option.}

DSS moved for parents' rights to be terminated (TPR).  BM and BD contested.  Which means now it has to go to a trial for the judge to decide if rights will be terminated or not.  BM's lawyer said that BM was planning on going to rehab that day, and requested the TPR trial to be set 3-6 months out.  The judge did not pause even a second and said, "No, ma'am."

I thought that of course, in reality, the trial will likely be at least 3 months out anyway because it seems to take at least that long to get something on the docket.  As of now, a trial date still hasn't been set, so looks like I was right.

So still we sit here and wait.

Court Continued

We had Elmer's TPR Hearing court date on June 16.  The week before, his caseworker asked if I had heard anything from his mom, and said that when they tried to serve her at the address on file, someone said she didn't live there and they didn't have a current address.  (The address is her mom's house, so... yeah, right... they didn't have a current address!  And then when the caseworker finally got in touch with mom a couple of days before court, she gave the exact same address they already had on file!) 

So court was already continued (cancelled for that day) because they were unable to serve the mom.  But then there was also an issue with the state-appointed lawyers of mom and dad, so they had to get that straightened out as well.  So I think that court would have been continued no matter what. 

Mom ended up showing up about 15 minutes after court was over.  We talked, and she wanted to know if I would let her see Elmer if I adopted him.  I told her that as long as she was clean, sober, and safe, that I would allow contact.  She also asked if I would change Elmer's name.  I did not want to discuss this before the actual adoption, but I wasn't going to lie to her face, so I told her that yes, I would probably change his name.  (Separate post about the name change to come.)  She mentioned that bio dad says, "That's my Junior" but I mentioned that even if I didn't change his first name, his last name would change and so either way he would no longer be a Junior.  Mom also told me the street she lives on and a pretty good description of the house, and it is about five minutes from my house, so I am going to drive by and see if I can get an alternate address for Legal to use to serve mom next time. 

So now we wait... again... for another TPR Hearing date.  And I anticipate that parents will contest the TPR at that hearing, which would mean that we would have to go to a TPR trial.  Such a long process for a case where the parents never had a treatment plan!

 

One Crazy Request

A month or so ago, I got a voice mail from Elmer's mom.  She said she wanted to talk to me about some plans for the upcoming weekend.  I was actually home from work that day, but decided I would call her back after Elmer went to bed. 

Well, I didn't even have a chance.  Within a couple of hours, she had texted to ask if I would consider going on a mini vacation with them to M*rtle Beach for the weekend - "I would get you guys your own room of course, and you could bring a friend as well... We will take care of all expenses... Please please consider this... I really hope you take me up on the offer."

WHAT?! 

It's a crazy request no matter what, but we had not even had any contact since late September... other than a short "Merry Christmas" text and a couple of texts the week before when she was trying to get some clothes to me for Elmer. 

I didn't even know what to say.  We already had plans that weekend, but even if we didn't... NO, I do not want to go hang out for the weekend out of town with you... NO, I do not think that is appropriate... NO, I do not trust you... and NO, I don't think you should have that much uninterrupted contact with Elmer! 

I called the caseworker (JATH).  She couldn't believe it and said she would call mom and talk to her.  I told her I didn't mind responding to her, but could I tell her that JATH said it was not ok?  She said, "Absolutely, you can tell her I said it is not ok!" 

So I did, and then didn't get a response.  Next I heard from her was about a month later when she wanted to meet up with his brothers.  More to come...

"You [Are/Are Not] the Father!"

Several weeks ago Elmer's caseworker (JATH) contacted me saying that there was a man who said he had had relations with Elmer's mom around the time of conception and that he may be Elmer's father.  He said that he had been in contact with Elmer's mom when Elmer was very young and had seen pictures of him then.  He said Elmer bore a striking resemblance to his family, who are all blond haired and blue-eyed.  (This put me somewhat at ease because although Elmer had had a fair complexion - and no hair so could have been any color - when he was very young, after the summer his complexion had darkened and his hair had come in a brown color.) 


So my question was: If he had known that Elmer existed since he was very young, where had this potential "father" been for the last year?!  I could almost get on board with this man taking custody of him if he was actually the father, and if he had had no clue that there was a baby until recently.  (Don't get me wrong, it would have COMPLETELY devastated me, and I would definitely have some serious grieving to do.)  But this person should have no bearing on Elmer's life at this point if he knew about Elmer and chose to ignore him for a full year. 


But he is biological family, and he does.  If this man was the dad, then that would introduce a whole different set of people as factors to Elmer's case - if he or any of his family were willing and capable/safe to care for Elmer, then DSS would move him to them without too many questions asked.  The fact that I have been caring for him for a year at this point and that I am the only home/mother he has ever known would not matter.


So Elmer had to have a DNA test to see if this person was his biological father. 


Meanwhile, I am torn up and stressed, but trying not to really think about it so that I wouldn't get too stressed.  Trying NOT to think about the "what if's". 


And then I got a text from the JATH saying


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The man is NOT Elmer's biological father!




An instantaneous wave of relief came over me and I burst into tears.  So glad that I do not have to deal with a new set of unknowns! 


Now we still wait for the county's legal department to file for a TPR (termination of parental rights) trial with the court.  From my understanding, we have been waiting on this very thing since August. 


Patience. 


Patience.

Adoption is Born Out of Loss

When I really think about it, hoping to adopt a child out of foster care is such a weird situation - especially when the parents are good parents at least some of the time. 


Meeting with Elmer's parents and seeing that they are good with him, and love him, brings some interesting thoughts to mind.  Hoping to adopt him is, in essence, hoping that they will lose their son.  Not that I think they should not lose their rights.  Their history (and even current actions) indicate that there is almost certainly no way they would be able to parent Elmer appropriately and safely 24/7.  But there are times, like in watching them with Elmer at the park, that it is obvious that they do love him and that they even have the potential to be good parents to him if they could ever break free from all of the demons that seem to have haunted them for many many years. 


So it makes me really sad that the only way for his adoption to happen is for these parents, that do obviously love their child, to lose their rights to him.  And for Elmer to lose the life of being raised by his biological parents. 


Adoption is a good thing.  It's even a joyous thing.  But we can't forget that behind the joy, lies tremendous loss for both the parents (whether they voluntarily give up their rights or their rights are taken away) and for the child. 

They Are So Inconsistent

Elmer had another visit with his parents on August 25th.  It was shocking that they visited TWICE in one month!  That weekend, his mom texted me, saying they had meant to send back diapers and wipes with him at the visit, and could we meet up at the park the next day for them to get them to us.  We actually had a busy day that day, so I told her I would touch base later in the week about possibly meeting up the next weekend. 


Not that I WANTED to meet up with his mom and/or dad.  But I knew that doing so would be best for everyone involved, in the end.  If I end up adopting him, it is good for them to see Elmer with me and see that he is happy and how much he loves me (and how much I love him).  And if, heaven forbid, he somehow ends up back with them, I need to see them with him and try to have some sort of relationship so I can maintain some sort of contact. 


So we ended up meeting up at the park on September 4th.  Elmer's mom, dad, and maternal grandmother were all there.  They were all very good with him.  I tried to stay far enough back where I could interact with the adults a little, but where Elmer would not really see me - because I knew he would want me if he did.  Which is exactly what happened when I walked over to look at his ear draining; but I was able to step back again and he was fine. 


We had somewhere else to be so had a reason to leave after about an hour.


And then the caseworker (JATH) told me they had a visit scheduled at the DSS office that Thursday, September 8th.  She came and picked him up and took him to the office, and then the parents didn't show up.  She said she followed through with the visit even though they had not confirmed the night before, because they had been consistent lately. 


And then there was another visit scheduled for today, and JATH said she would let me know yesterday if they had confirmed.  I assumed she would NOT come pick him up if there was no confirmation this time.  I never heard anything, and Elmer was never picked up for a visit. 


I'm pretty sure that the last two visits were not just scheduled by DSS where the mom may not have been aware or actually wanting them.  JATH had told me one time a while back that she was not setting up visits unless the mom requested them (every other week is standard for this county, unless the court orders more often).  So I'm pretty sure the mom initiated these visits, but then didn't follow through with a confirmation once the date actually came.  I'm just glad that Elmer didn't have to get in the car for an hour round-trip for a visit that didn't happen; and that he has no clue that his parents are flaking out on him.