It's Not All About the Kids

In a perfect world, the things that happen in the foster care system would all be based on what is best for the children.  In reality, that often does not happen.  Sometimes it is because procedures are set up otherwise.  Sometimes it is due to the huge caseload that the workers have.  Sometimes it is because logistics don't allow it (or make it much easier to do otherwise).  Sometimes people just don't care.

Some examples that I have personally encountered (or had local foster mama friends encounter) in the last six months or so:

I received a call for a 20-month old when Elmer was 18 months old.  I said that I would accept the placement.  I started asking questions, including if they already had the child in the office (often they are not there yet so it may take many hours before I am needed; and sometimes they don't actually end up needing placement in my home).  "Well, actually he is already in another home now, but they felt he needed more one-on-one attention."  Excuse me?!  This is my personal licensing worker so she has been to my home for my licensing visits and is familiar with my situation. 

I said, "Do you remember that I have an 18 month old in my home already?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Well, he definitely wouldn't be getting one-on-one attention, since that is such a demanding age."

"Well, that's just what the other foster family felt."

So I would think that, for the sake of that child, you should abide by that when trying to place that child.  I ended up saying that I was not comfortable taking placement of that child unless I could talk to the previous foster family and/or caseworker and determine if it would be a good fit for the child.  And they ended up finding another place.

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My friend got her first foster placement of a 3-year old.  After he had been with her for about a month, she knew they were having court and that there was a chance the child would be moved to the grandmother's home.  She tried to prepare the child that morning and told him that he might be going to stay with his grandmother but that she would pick him up and tell him goodbye.  She never heard anything from the caseworker, and then when she arrived at daycare to pick the child up, they told her that the caseworker had already come and picked him up to take him back to grandma.  Of course she was devastated she couldn't say goodbye, but was also sad and worried that the child had been scared or traumatized because he didn't know what was going on.  If it had been an infant, the child probably would not be affected one way or the other, but being that this child was three, he should have had a little smoother transition. 

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TT adopted Twin in Feb 2016, and then a new little girl (Spark) in Feb 2017.  In January 2017, when Twin's half-sister came into care, TT requested placement with her so the two sisters could be together.  It is pretty obvious this case will go to adoption as well, so shortly after Spark's adoption, TT called the adoption office to see what she needed to do to keep her adoption file current/up-to-date.  The adoptions worker's response?  "You know... we do like to give other people a chance at adoption!"  Because it's about letting people adopt, not what is best for the child - to be placed with a sibling and ultimately to be adopted by the foster mom who she has been with since she came into care.  

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So in early September, when I decided that it was just not going to work with PB placed here and that I needed to request new placement for him, I was VERY hesitant and nervous.  Especially because of the first situation that I described above.  I did not want them to just find him a warm bed to get him out of here.  Things were not so bad that he had to be moved "TODAY," so I wanted them to take the time to try to find a place that was going to be a good fit for both him and the family.  

I made the request to his caseworker, who said I also needed to let my licensing/placement worker know.  So I did (both via email and voice mail), on a Wednesday/Thursday.  Sunday night I checked my email (I usually only check personal email once or twice a week) to find an email from the licensing worker that I needed to call his caseworker and she would then contact Foster Family Licensing and Support.  Ok.  I already did, and YOU are part of Foster Family and Licensing Support!  So this is just the runaround.  And then it was Labor Day.  And then Hurricane Irma (almost) came through so all hands were on deck to make sure all the kids were taken care of for that.  So over two weeks later, I emailed to check and make sure the placement change for PB was still in process (and hadn't gotten lost in the shuffle of everything else), and was told "We continue to search for new placement for him." And then a few hours later, the caseworker called to say she would be picking him up later that day.  

Fast forward a few days when a new foster family posted in our Facebook group asking about daycare.  I figured out that this was the family who got PB.  And through private conversation, found out that they had been told he was 4 years old.  When a 20 MONTH old arrived on their doorstep and their age range was actually 3-6 years, they said he could stay but they would give it 30 days and see how it went.  

As of now (more than 30 days later), he is still in that home.  But it makes me SICK to think that he might have to get uprooted AGAIN because someone either A) lied about his age to get him placed, knowing this family's range was 3-6 years, or B) took so little time to get the details about the situation that she didn't even check his file for his age. 

Definitely NOT all about the kids.

Life is Hard Right Now

These two sure can be cute! 

Snack break in their matching swim trunks at the pool

Banging on my bedroom door

But in reality, THIS is a more accurate snapshot of what life is like right now:

Elmer sing-songing "pizza, pizza" on the way home from my friend's house because we had had pizza there for dinner... and PB screaming intermittently the entire twenty minute drive home. 

Overall PB cries and tantrums a lot throughout the day.  He does not like the car - he intermittently screams every minute or two on most car rides, and is usually pulling at the shoulder straps of the seat, or pulling at his shoes when he does so.  I think he was probably rarely in a car seat - whether that be because he never went anywhere in a car, or whether because he was in a car but not made to be in a seat. 

He has no words other than "mama," "ball," and "uh-oh."  (And I am not convinced that he hasn't picked up those last two words since he has been here.)  But even more importantly, his attempts at non-verbal communication are virtually non-existent.  For example, we were at brunch yesterday and I took a fork out of his hand.  Just to get it out of the way, not because he couldn't have it.  He did not resist my taking the fork... but he did turn around in his seat and start screaming and having a tantrum.  Obviously he wanted the fork. But he made no attempt to communicate that before having a tantrum.  Most kids would first resist the fork being taken, then reach for the fork, then maybe fuss about it, and finally have a tantrum if they were still not getting the fork back.  He just jumps right for a tantrum.  Maybe in the past that was the only way that he ever got anything.  Maybe he knew that if something got taken away, he was never going to get it back so he might as well have a meltdown. 

If PB doesn't get what he wants immediately, or if I provide any direction whatsoever, he screams and throws out, including at times jumping, throwing his head back (and hitting it on the floor if I don't protect his fall), head-banging, or throwing himself into a wall.

A lot of his screaming centers around food.  If he sees food and is not getting it (like when I am trying to put leftovers on a plate and heat them up for dinner), he screams.  Or if I give the boys a snack in the car, PB devours his quickly but then gets mad and screams when he sees Elmer still with food and doesn't have any.  I assume that he probably didn't get food regularly, so when it was available, you better eat it fast because you never knew when the next meal was coming.

I have tried to take them outside, but it is stressful for me and usually not safe.  PB will run away and think it is funny when I try to get him (even if I just walk casually over to where he is rather than chase him).  And he is FAST, so it is not ok to let him wander too far just to see how far he would go, and I do usually end up having to run after him by the time it is all said and done.  (He was taken into DSS custody because he was found wandering, so I really don't think he would care about where I was, and would just keep going without any regard for me.)  And then when I go to get PB, Elmer usually thinks it is funny to run in the opposite direction.  I live in a townhouse so there is no fence, so it is just not safe to have them outside when they do that. 

Bedtime is rough.  I used to be able to just put Elmer down and he goes right to sleep.  But PB does not self-soothe well, and screams off and on, while tossing and turning for usually 20-30 minutes, and usually ends up crying straight for several minutes and I have to go up and help him situate himself before he can go to sleep. 

And they fight!  But not just toddler fighting over toys.  PB is very aggressive - bites, pulls hair, and/or tackles to get the toy he wants.  (I am realizing Elmer is pretty aggressive, too, but not to that extent.)

PB has had upper respiratory congestion pretty much the whole time since he arrived, and has coughed so much in the night that he has thrown up at one point.  Other nights he has not been able to go back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night, for up to 2 hours.  And the two have woken each other up at times (because of the coughing or otherwise).  Sleep has been hard to come by pretty much the entire last two weeks.

Things have already started to get a little better in some areas, and I'm hoping that as he is here longer, things will start to smooth out even more.   

PB

Last Wednesday at around midnight, I received a voicemail for a placement of a 1-year old and 5-year old.  I called the placement worker back on Wednesday morning and said that I could take the 1-year old if she hadn't found placement.  She had found someone to take them for the night, but was still looking for a permanent place for them.  She said the plan was for me to take the 1-year old if she couldn't find a permanent place for the two together, which she ended up being able to do. 

But when another one-year old came into care on Thursday, I think I was probably one of the first people she contacted since I had just said I would take a one-year old the day before.  I said I could take him, and around 5:45 that afternoon, "PB" (for "Peek-a-Boo" because he loves to play peekaboo and just laughs when he does) arrived from a county 1 1/2 hours away.  He is three months younger than Elmer but just as active. 

When I was getting the boys ready for bed, he climbed INTO the pack n play, which I figured did not bode well for him staying in it during the night.  And when it was bedtime and I walked out of the room, as suspected, he immediately climbed out of the pack n play and tried to open the bedroom door.  I did end up getting him settled that night into the pack n play, and he slept all night, but decided that even though he was only 17 months old, he would have to go into a toddler bed the next night.  One of my patients' moms had just given me a toddler bed a week or two before, so I was able to get it set up the next day.  He has mostly stayed in the bed, although getting to sleep has been a little rough (he usually tosses and turns for about 20-30 minutes, and often cries off and on as well). 

The boys have gotten along pretty well.  The first few days, they REALLY fought over toys, including some pushing, hitting, hair pulling, and biting; but this has improved in the last few days. 

PB didn't cry (except for bedtime) for pretty much the first two days.  Now he cries A LOT!  He is very easily frustrated and angered when he does not get his way (or even when he does not get something he wants IMMEDIATELY when he wants it), and jumps and throws himself on the floor.  This morning it was because I made him back up a little so I could get the gate open at the top of the stairs for us all to be able to go down them.  He doesn't say any words, other than "mama," so I'm sure this has something to do with his frustration level. 

He is really really cute, and smiles and laughs at times (especially when playing peekaboo), but is also very emotionally labile (totally as expected for this age). 

This Tuesday, PB coughed in his sleep so much that he ended up throwing up a little, so on Wednesday afternoon I took him to the After-hours pediatric clinic.  They said there was fluid on his ears, but no infection - yet.  (And then when we were at the pediatrician's office this morning, he said the ears were "about" to get infected so wrote a prescription for antibiotic.  Elmer was also checked on Wednesday (because he had had a low-grade fever on Tuesday afternoon), and both ears were infected again! First in 2 1/2 months, but still very frustrating.  So we have had a rough couple of nights sleeping-wise!

Overall, we are settling in!  I talked to the caseworker today, who doesn't have a whole lot of information.  But I have a feeling he will be here for a good while. 

Is One Out of Three Acceptable?

I previously wrote about the start to the adoptions process in this post. I was able to attend the third day of "training" on the first Saturday of May.  (The first two days were already completed when I did my foster care training - this is a day specifically for adoptions, although most of what we went over I already knew from doing foster care.)  One of the discussions during the day was about the fact that when you adopt from foster care, you have to sign an agreement saying you will never use corporal punishment (including spanking) as a form of discipline for that child you adopt.  Although I signed a contract not to use corporal punishment for foster children, and although I don't think I would really use it much anyway as I feel there are many more effective forms of discipline, I was a little surprised to find out that this is dictated for a family even after an adoption has taken place.  The reason is that many of these children have endured physical trauma and/or abuse from their families in their lives, and corporal punishment is likely to trigger major issues for these kids.  But... it just seems that it might be something that no one could truly enforce once an adoption has happened. 


But I digress...


Then in June, Elmer's GAL (guardian ad litem) called saying that she needed to see him before court on the 17th; she gave me only a few days notice, so I had no choice but to have her go see him at daycare.  However, in seven months, she had not ONCE come to the house or seen me interact with Elmer.  I really wanted her to do that so that she could provide first-hand information about where Elmer should end up when it went to the adoptions committee to decide the adoptive family.  So we scheduled a visit for the following week. 


I was off all day on Wednesday, so I ended up scheduling a bunch of different things.  Elmer's adoptions worker (the one who no-showed or cancelled three times) was supposed to come at 9am, the GAL was supposed to come between 9 and 9:30, and the person completing my adoptions home study was supposed to come at 11am.  At 8:55am, the adoptions worker called and said she thought the appointment was at 9:30 and she would need to reschedule; I told her if she could be here by 9:30, to just come on.  I had planned all of these things for a day that I was off, and trying to find a different day that would work would be even harder than adjusting my schedule that day. 


She arrived at 9:30 and was gone by 9:45.  At this point, the GAL still hadn't arrived yet.  I called her to see if she was still planning on coming (as we hadn't set up an exact time), and she said she forgot about it because she had been out sick, but could be here in 20 minutes.  So we waited.  She as well was not here very long.  As soon as she left, I took Elmer to daycare so that I could get back for the adoptions home study.  She was the only of the three appointments that actually showed up on time. 


The adoptions home study was pretty much exactly the same as the foster care home study, except this lady asked a lot more questions that were not in the autobiography packet.  (I don't know if that was a difference between foster and adoption home studies, or just a difference in the two interviewers.)  I also had to ask the foster care home study examiner if she was going to look at the child's room; this adoption examiner asked to see practically every square inch of the house!  The laundry room, the backyard, the bathrooms, the linen closet, on and on. 


She also had to come back a second time as a formality (they said at the foster care home study that they usually come twice, but because I was single, they were able to complete everything they needed to in one visit).  She emailed me July 5th to let me know that she had submitted my home study to DSS that day.  From what I hear, it usually takes about a month for the state to give an answer about the license. 


As a reminder, this adoptions process is on a completely independent and separate timeline from the timeline of Elmer's case.  I actually had her complete the home study as a general one (not specifically for Elmer) so that it would still be valid if things do not end in adoption with Elmer.  (Separate post about Elmer's case coming.) 

Trauma vs. Previous Experience vs. Personality

As Tigger and I adjusted to each other, I began to think about different behaviors in my foster children and how, at the time, you just have no clue if they are due to trauma, their (non-traumatic) previous experience, or just to their personality.  As the days go on, and as the behaviors begin to change (or not to change), it starts to become a little more clear what their cause might be. 

It is especially difficult to tease this out with an infant when they have no words to give you clues; but even Evie at 4 1/2 years old had confusing behaviors. Some I initially attributed to her personality but later realized they may be due to trauma.  She asked A LOT of questions and needed a lot of attention.  I think a lot of that was just her personality but especially the questions were fueled a lot by anxiety as well, as they definitely slowed down as she became more settled and comfortable.

You never know what to think about an infant's sleep habits - it's especially difficult because you generally have NO CLUE what their sleeping and eating schedule was before arriving.  Are they needing to be rocked to sleep because that's what they are used to, or because they are feeling insecure since they have just been ripped out of the only home they have ever known?  I absolutely believe that infants, even at four months, sense that their world has just been shaken and know that something is different.  With Machine Gun, it was obvious that he knew he was in a strange place and didn't want to be put down because he had no clue where he was or who he was with.  For the first couple of weeks that Tigger was here, he would wake back up crying every night about half an hour after he went to sleep (not just laid down but was actually asleep).  At first I thought that it was always about that time that he would turn his head and lose his pacifier and then start crying.  However, one night that behavior just stopped - I think he finally just got settled with his sleeping.  Tank would grip onto me and not want to be put down when I tried to lay him down in his crib; and then I would just want to hold him and rock him because I thought it was highly likely that no one had ever snuggled him to sleep before. 

You also don't know about their eating habits.  Initially Tank would arch his head back when he was drinking a bottle and his feeding sounded unsafe.  I thought he might have had problems with his swallow, but then his feeding was normal.  I realized that he had probably been laid on the floor with a bottle propped up to eat, and he was used to having his head hyperextended as he sucked on a bottle; and had no clue how to coordinate his swallowing with his head flexed forward as it was when I held him cradled in my arms as he ate.  And at first I thought Tigger had reflux because he would arch his back and scream during or after his feedings sometimes; that, too, disappeared... making me think that it may have just been due to him not being comfortable in his surroundings.

And then there are other behaviors.  For example, Tigger would SCREAM every time as his car seat was buckled up - and then stop pretty much afterwards.  I wondered if that was just his personality or if it was something deeper - like, did he know that every time he got buckled in a car seat, someone different (sometimes someone who wasn't safe for him) would take him; or was he left buckled in a car seat all day long and was scared he would never get out every time he got buckled in?  This behavior, too, decreased significantly after a couple of weeks as Tigger became more settled.  Tank would not snuggle as he was going to sleep - he would become stiff and arch his back while I was holding him before bedtime - and then he ended up being a snuggler. 

I don't have the answers.  And I know every situation will be different.  My natural instinct is to have "tough love" and just power through the behaviors with consistent responses and consequences from me, since that is what works well with the children in my work and my life.  But I do realize that in many situations with a new foster child, that child just needs love and comfort and security, even if that means that the rules and situations stay flexible for a time.  In the future, I need to try really hard to consciously tell myself that it is better to err on the side of being too soft with these kids in the first few weeks than too rigid.  They deserve it.