I Have Proof that Tank is Alive and Well

I have been thinking for the last several months that I need to try to get out to see Tank, realizing that I don't think I had seen him since late last summer.  The scare a couple of weeks ago was the catalyst for me to say, "Hey, let's get together!" 


Elmer and I met up with Tank and his aunt at the park this weekend.  He didn't know who I was, but when I started walking over with Elmer in the stroller, Tank ran over and yelled. "Baby!!"  It was soooo humid, but at least the playground was shaded and the kids didn't really care about the heat. 


They both were swinging - Elmer was laughing at Tank and watching him the whole time, and Tank was screeching in delight as the swing went back and forth. 

And then a dog walked by and Tank yelled, "Puppy!  Puppy!" and his aunt says that he loves dogs. 

So now I have seen with my own eyes that Tank is alive and well! 



My Heart Attack

This afternoon I got a voice mail (to my Google Voice phone number which I use for communication with bio's) from Tank's mom.  Tank's mom has never called me, and I don't think I even gave her this particular number. 


It said, "This is Tank's mom.  You took care of my son for a while.  I just heard the bad news about Tank.  I just wanted to say thank you for everything you did for him when I couldn't.  Please call me when you can."


My heart DROPPED.  What has happened to Tank?  I immediately texted Tank's aunt and asked what had happened.  And tears started to well up as I pulled up the online obituaries.  Something in her voice told me this was what it was.  I paused and said to myself, "I can't believe I am about to type in his name to search in the obituaries" and said a silent prayer that nothing would show up.  The search did not produce any results, so I breathed, but only slightly. 


In the next minute or so, I got a response from Tank's aunt saying, "Someone told her that he was dead.  That baby is just fine!  Somebody is very cruel to do that to her!"


And then the tears came gushing out in a release of emotion knowing that he is okay. 


I told her to give him extra snuggles for me tonight, and then I did the same with my baby here. 


Wow.  When I use and hear the phrase, "Foster care is a roller coaster", I never expected it would include something like this. 

Ten Month Photo Catchup

First trip to the waterpark

Middleton Gardens - up close and personal with lots of animals

We went to my aunt's lakehouse for the weekend.  Elmer stood here for at least ten minutes watching my cousins' kids playing the game.

This is an outfit that Tank wore at 5 months old, shortly after he came to me.  Elmer is 9 months here.

First tooth finally coming through just before nine months old

I took some 9-month pics of Elmer at the park.

That curl.  He's starting to get more in the back, too.

First time with red-sauced pasta

Blurry, but cute!  First Fourth of July

Getting into everything!

"Give me that camera!"

This is Elmer rolling, trying to get away from me because he knew I was trying to take a picture and wanted him to be still!

Ten months old

Previous Placement Updates

Tank's aunt texted me a bunch of pictures this week.  He is sooooo precious.  He has a head full of curly hair and still has rolls going up his arms.  He will be two this month.  It's hard to believe my first baby is almost two! 

My nephew Bop keeps asking about Evie and saying that he misses her.  So I texted Evie's mom last week and asked if I could come pick her up and take her to Ch*ck E. Ch--se's with Bop since it was spring break.  I never got a response.  :(  I hope everything is okay.

My Bald Babies

(Alternately titled: I've Definitely Gotten My Money's Worth Out of This Exersaucer)

I was looking at Elmer in the Exersaucer the other day and was thinking I have taken a picture of the other two babies in it from above, so I should do the same for him and put them side by side.  The thought also crossed my mind that it might be difficult to tell them apart from this angle.  :)

Sweet, sweet babies.

Trauma vs. Previous Experience vs. Personality

As Tigger and I adjusted to each other, I began to think about different behaviors in my foster children and how, at the time, you just have no clue if they are due to trauma, their (non-traumatic) previous experience, or just to their personality.  As the days go on, and as the behaviors begin to change (or not to change), it starts to become a little more clear what their cause might be. 

It is especially difficult to tease this out with an infant when they have no words to give you clues; but even Evie at 4 1/2 years old had confusing behaviors. Some I initially attributed to her personality but later realized they may be due to trauma.  She asked A LOT of questions and needed a lot of attention.  I think a lot of that was just her personality but especially the questions were fueled a lot by anxiety as well, as they definitely slowed down as she became more settled and comfortable.

You never know what to think about an infant's sleep habits - it's especially difficult because you generally have NO CLUE what their sleeping and eating schedule was before arriving.  Are they needing to be rocked to sleep because that's what they are used to, or because they are feeling insecure since they have just been ripped out of the only home they have ever known?  I absolutely believe that infants, even at four months, sense that their world has just been shaken and know that something is different.  With Machine Gun, it was obvious that he knew he was in a strange place and didn't want to be put down because he had no clue where he was or who he was with.  For the first couple of weeks that Tigger was here, he would wake back up crying every night about half an hour after he went to sleep (not just laid down but was actually asleep).  At first I thought that it was always about that time that he would turn his head and lose his pacifier and then start crying.  However, one night that behavior just stopped - I think he finally just got settled with his sleeping.  Tank would grip onto me and not want to be put down when I tried to lay him down in his crib; and then I would just want to hold him and rock him because I thought it was highly likely that no one had ever snuggled him to sleep before. 

You also don't know about their eating habits.  Initially Tank would arch his head back when he was drinking a bottle and his feeding sounded unsafe.  I thought he might have had problems with his swallow, but then his feeding was normal.  I realized that he had probably been laid on the floor with a bottle propped up to eat, and he was used to having his head hyperextended as he sucked on a bottle; and had no clue how to coordinate his swallowing with his head flexed forward as it was when I held him cradled in my arms as he ate.  And at first I thought Tigger had reflux because he would arch his back and scream during or after his feedings sometimes; that, too, disappeared... making me think that it may have just been due to him not being comfortable in his surroundings.

And then there are other behaviors.  For example, Tigger would SCREAM every time as his car seat was buckled up - and then stop pretty much afterwards.  I wondered if that was just his personality or if it was something deeper - like, did he know that every time he got buckled in a car seat, someone different (sometimes someone who wasn't safe for him) would take him; or was he left buckled in a car seat all day long and was scared he would never get out every time he got buckled in?  This behavior, too, decreased significantly after a couple of weeks as Tigger became more settled.  Tank would not snuggle as he was going to sleep - he would become stiff and arch his back while I was holding him before bedtime - and then he ended up being a snuggler. 

I don't have the answers.  And I know every situation will be different.  My natural instinct is to have "tough love" and just power through the behaviors with consistent responses and consequences from me, since that is what works well with the children in my work and my life.  But I do realize that in many situations with a new foster child, that child just needs love and comfort and security, even if that means that the rules and situations stay flexible for a time.  In the future, I need to try really hard to consciously tell myself that it is better to err on the side of being too soft with these kids in the first few weeks than too rigid.  They deserve it. 

History Repeats Itself

On September 8, 2015, 5 1/2 month old Tigger was placed with me. 

 

 

Four days later, a memory from a year ago showed up on my Facebook - the day Tank was placed with me. 

 

 

So similar.  Tigger was 5 1/2 months old at placement, Tank was 4 1/2 months old.  Both very active and developmentally ahead for their ages.  Placed one year and four days apart, so I will have them through the same seasons - getting cold, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas.  And they look pretty darn similar from the overhead view in the Exersaucer!  (Admittedly, I did take the picture of Tigger on September 12 to make a comparison shot.)  



What I Would Have Done Differently

Now that my house is empty and I have some time to reflect, here is a list of things I would have done differently with Evie and/or Tank.  Some of these are minor details, and some are huge things; and all will probably affect what I do with the next child that is here. 
 
1. Not called Evie's mom every night.  It was good for her to talk to her mom, but I think the negatives outweighed the positives.  And I think had I known she was going to be here for more than a month or two, I probably wouldn't have started it anyway.  I didn't like that our phone calls meant that Evie's family knew exactly what was happening every day - it gave them ammunition to tell lies on me or to scrutinize every little thing that was happening.  It really stirred up Evie's emotions when she would talk to her mom, and at the beginning she would cry at least once a week when she talked to her.  Plus, it was really inconvenient.

2. Called Tank's mom sometimes.  She sent her number, and I never called her because he couldn't talk to her anyway.  But I should have communicated with her at least to let her know her baby was okay.

3. In light of the first two things above, created a confidential phone number.  I did end up getting a number through G**gle Voice when Tank left, but Evie's family already had my number.  One of the first things the investigator said when Evie walked through my door was that I needed to call her mom to get instructions for her meds.  I didn't even think about it, and I just called from my cell phone.  There could have been some safety issues with the family having my actual phone number - which could have been connected with my name, which then could have been connected with my address.  Thankfully, it all worked out and I didn't have any concerns about my safety with Evie's family, but I will definitely be more cautious next time and will give out a number that can't be traced to my name.

3. Taken the kids to their own doctor.  I spent a lot of time trying to track down both Evie's and Tank's immunization records.  I relied on the caseworkers to do the legwork for me.  I didn't really think about it until after the fact, but I could have just made the kids at least one appointment with the doctor they had been seeing to get any needed medical information and records.  In both cases, I did know the doctors' names long before I actually got the records; and they wouldn't have been more than a 30-minute drive. (Plus, in my state, I can get reimbursed by Medi-caid for mileage taking the kids to doctors' appointments, so it would have been fine to travel one time.)  I would have made that first appointment, and then gotten their records transferred to my preferred pediatrician that is closer to my house. 

4. Made a laminated list of medications.  I often wrote out a list of Evie's medications and dosages for sitters or when she would stay overnight with someone.  It would have been much easier if I had made a list.

5. Personalized Evie's room.  I did get her a "girly" comforter shortly after she came, but I would have put her drawings up on the walls, or let her pick out some decorative elements so the room would feel more like "hers."  Again, I think this never happened because I didn't think she would be here that long.

6. Immediately asked for a picture of Evie's mom and her and framed it for her room.  I did eventually do this, but it would have been good to have this reminder of her mom from the get-go.

7. Not made assumptions about the case. Now I'm not so naive and hopefully won't make the same mistakes in this area, but I shouldn't have assumed that Evie would only be here a month or so.  This really affected my bonding with Evie.  And it also prevented me from letting her fully participate in her life here (see #8 below).  I know a lot of things now that I didn't know then, and generally I know now to have no expectations, except to expect anything. 

8. Signed Evie up for things.  Because I didn't think Evie would be here for long, I didn't sign her up for dance class or swim lessons or really anything else.  I even paid for field trips several weeks at a time last summer at the daycare (instead of paying for them all at the beginning of the summer) because I was thinking she wouldn't be here the whole summer.  I have to realize that there is going to be a chance that I will lose money if the child leaves before the class/sport/etc is over, but that is a risk I need to take so that the child can do everything I would try to do with him if he were my own.

9.  Offered Evie a different name to call me.  I hadn't really thought about this fully before she arrived, and so when she asked my name that first night, I told her "Miss Allison," which is what my kids at work call me.  That always felt too formal.  Everyone I had read things from online said that the kids (especially the older ones) would end up calling you whatever they felt comfortable with, but I think I should have offered her a much less formal name from the beginning.  I want some sort of nickname that would be something no one else would call me, but I haven't come up with one that I love yet.  So if anyone has any suggestions, let me know! 

10. Hugged Evie more.  I think at the beginning I held back because I didn't want to overwhelm her, but I'm sure she would have been fine with more hugging and physical contact; and I think this would have helped with the bonding as well. 

11. Maybe been a little less pushy with food at the beginning.  I'm not 100% on this one, because I think part of the reason that Evie ended up eating vegetables and pretty much anything (she didn't always like it, but she ate it) was because I made her eat things from the beginning.  But I think it would have been ok to serve pizza and chicken nuggets and spaghetti during the first week while she adjusted to everything else in her life being completely different and upside down, and worried about the vegetables after a week or so. 

12.  Had less rules at the beginning.  Going along with #11 above, I should have just allowed her to adjust to a new house and new smells and new people and not being with her mom, before I really started having firm rules about her table manners and putting her toys away.

13. Stayed out of work more than a day.  Evie arrived on a Tuesday in May.  I took off Wednesday.  I really felt like I needed to go back to work on Thursday, because I had already missed two Thursdays in the 4-6 weeks prior (and my patients come on the same day every week, and their appointments are cancelled if I'm not there, so I didn't want the same patients to miss appointments three different times in the span of 6 weeks).  But I think that shouldn't have mattered, and I should have stayed home at least one more day to help us both get settled.  (Being out of work with the placement of a foster child falls under FMLA, so one of the phone calls I made the first day should have been to get my FMLA set up so that I could stay out however many days I felt like I needed). 

Hopefully this list will help some first-time foster parent make better decisions in the beginning than I did; and I know that I will do some things differently next time based on this list. 

Tank Update

I texted with Tank's aunt the other day.  She said they went to court a couple of weeks ago, and DSS turned custody over to her.  In her words, "He is no longer a foster baby."  She said Tank's mom will have to hire a private lawyer to get custody of him back after she finishes all the things she needs to do.  When I was talking with her a few weeks ago, she said she had told mom she would help her, as long as mom was doing the right things.  He's in a great place right now, and I'm glad he's not part of the system anymore. 

My First Mother's Day

My Mother's Day started out by Evie sleeping about 15 minutes past her "ok to wake" clock glowing, so I was able to be in bed until after 8!  Then we got up and got dressed, and TT came to pick us up for breakfast at a restaurant with her and Twin.  We had about a thirty minute wait when we got there but we were able to wait outside on the rocking chairs in a perfect temperature. 

We had debated going to the water park (but storms were threatening all day) or the indoor pool, but ended up settling on the sprinkler pad at the county park.  So we just came home, changed clothes, I switched out laundry, and we headed out while the rain was still holding out and before Twin got too cranky for a nap.  Both kids had a great time and pretty much entertained themselves, so we were able to chill for a while.  When we were leaving, TT said she was thinking about going to get ice cream and asked if I was up for that.  Ummm, I am always up for ice cream!  So we ended our Mother's Day festivities with frozen goodness. 

And then back to reality with laundry and cooking and fixing Evie's hair for the week! 

Tank's aunt texted me in the morning wishing me a Happy Mother's Day, which I thought was so sweet of her.  I actually had thought of her the night before with the reminder to myself that I wanted to make sure to send her a message. 

Evie had made Mother's Day booklets at school, and her sweet teacher made sure that she made one both for her mom and me. 

I was able to talk to my mom after Evie went to bed, and that is always enjoyable. 

I was surprised and thankful that so many of my friends included "foster moms" in their blanket Mother's Day wishes on Facebook and thought that maybe I had something to do with that.  If so, I was glad that I could open people's eyes to realize that there are so many DIFFERENT kinds of moms; and if not, I'm okay with that, too. 

I will admit that even though Evie has been with me for almost a year, I still don't REALLY feel like a mom.  Evie lets me know regularly in no uncertain terms that I am not her "real" mom (she actually has sometimes been calling her mom "my real mom" since she has started referring to me as "Mommy" occasionally).  Sunshine and the Guardian ad Litem both still feel that the children should (and will) be reunified with mom.  Maybe because of these things, I don't really feel a motherly bond with Evie, and I still feel kind of like I am babysitting her.  Nonetheless, I AM a mom and enjoyed my first Mother's Day.     

Tank's Going to Be a Big Brother

Yesterday I went to take Tank a birthday present and visit with him for a while.  They have court this week, and from what I gather, Tank's mom is a little immature and very well may not let me see him anymore if he is reunited with her.  However, from what I also gather, it is not highly likely that will happen this week.  His caseworker and Guardian ad litem are both recommending he stay where he is (per his aunt). 

What I learned while I was there (keep in mind this is all through the eyes of an aunt on Tank's dad's side):
- Tank's mom has not been to see him in a month.
- There has been drama between Tank's mom and his dad's family concerning visits.
- Tank's mom is pregnant, so there may be another child coming in care soon. :(
- Tank's dad felt like I should be able to still see Tank if I wanted; his mom, not so much.
- Tank eats pretty much anything (it's obvious by his big 'ol belly!)
- Tank is walking now!  He was sooo cute toddling around. 

I took some Easter cupcakes we had made.  His aunt gave him one, and he devoured it!  There was yellow frosting and blue cake all over his face and in his nose.  He will definitely know what to do with his birthday cake!

I'm so thankful that his aunt has let me see him and know how he's doing.  She has been so sweet to me.  And it's obvious that she has been so sweet to Tank, too, and that's the most important thing!

Music Monday: The Rainbow Connection

 

This is one of the songs I sang to Tank (almost) every night when I was putting him to bed.  After he left, I decided that this would be only "his" lullaby; and that I would choose a new, unique lullaby song for any new little one.  Songs like "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" and "Rockabye Baby" will be in the standard rotation, but each new one will get one song that is specific to him. 

Confusion

When Tank left, I was worried about how Evie would feel and what she would think about the fact that he came to me after she did and left before she did.  I was very careful how I worded things.  I told her that he was going to be with a relative - I made sure to specify that it was not his mom he was going to be with; but I also didn't want to say he was going with his aunt, because she has aunts, too... and didn't want her to think she could just go be with HER aunt. 

On Friday, TT's four-year old, G, was reunified with her mom.  Saturday morning we went to pick up TT to go out; when I told Evie where we were going, she said, "Yay!  I get to play with G!"  I told her G wasn't there, that she was with her mom now.  At first she said, "Awww, I'm going to miss G!"  And then... "I want to go back with MY mom." 

Poor thing.  This was definitely an aspect of foster care that I had never even thought about... how the kids would feel and the confusion they would experience when other kids came and went at different times than they did. 

Visit with Tank

I went to Tank's aunt's house today to visit with him and take a bag of his things that I still had.  She lives about a 45-minute drive from me, so I left Evie with a friend.  He was just waking up from a nap when I got there, and his aunt picked him up from his crib and tried to hand him to me directly.  But he kept turning away for her to hold him.  He WAS looking at me, though, when I was talking, with a look that said, "I think I might know that voice..."  After we got down on the floor and started playing, he warmed up quickly and snuggled and played with me. 

Baby Boy is standing by himself now!  A couple of times he pulled up on my leg while I was sitting on the floor, and then let go and stood about five or more seconds.  And he has gotten two new teeth on the top.

His aunt was very sweet, and thanked me for taking care of him when he needed me... which made me tear up a little.  She is married with an 18- and 14-year old.  She said that she is thinking about becoming a regular foster parent (to teenagers!) once he goes back to his mom (which she says looks like it will be around his first birthday in April). 

When he left my house, I wrote a letter to him and sent it with his stuff.  I also included some pictures for his mom.  Aunt said that she gave the mom the pictures, but that she kept the letter I had written to him, and that she would keep up with it (because she didn't think mom would) and would give it to him when he got older. 

I miss that little guy like crazy, but it makes my heart smile that he is being loved on and well cared-for!

Dear Tank

Dear Tank,

The days leading up to you leaving me, and the day I had to let you go, were torture.  But your aunt called me the day after you left to let me know how you were, and then again a few days later to let me know that your surgery went well.  And I think because of that, the days since you left haven't been nearly as hard as I imagined they would be. 

But I still miss you.

I miss the sweet smile that was constantly on your face.

I miss the way you would open and close your fists, and flex and extend your feet, when you were excited or happy.

I miss your chubby little big wrists and ankles.

I miss the way you would grab my face and bump your forehead against mine and then laugh.

I miss hearing your sweet babble when you woke up in the mornings.

I miss all of your tickle spots - pretty much every inch of your body, but especially your collarbones and your belly.

I miss singing you "The Rainbow Connection" at bedtime. 

I miss your viral-video-worthy laugh when Evie would sing to you.

I miss the way you would light up when I walked into daycare to pick you up, even when you were sick.

I miss how you would dance on your knees while playing your little piano.

I miss how excited you would get when you saw the cat, or any dog.

I miss how you could hold your own bottle, but would let go as soon as I touched it, especially at night.

I miss how you would snuggle into my chest to go to sleep.

I miss how cute you looked in your little monkey or dog matching hat/glove sets.

I miss your infectious laugh and sweet constant smile.

I miss you.

As I write this and tear up, I realize that maybe it hasn't been so hard because I've tried not to think about all these things. 

I have a bag of your stuff that I found after you left, so I hope that I can get to see you soon to give it to you. 

But mostly I hope with everything in me that you are happy and thriving and being loved and snuggled just as much as you were here. 

Love you always,
Mama A

Tank Tidbits

- I had sent a note to the family member with a list of Tank's schedule, foods he has eaten already, medical information, and other stuff they may need to know; as well as my phone number and a statement of my desire to be kept updated of his progress and how he is doing.  She already called yesterday to touch base, so I'm hopeful that I will be able to continue to be a part of his life in some way. 
- When I started looking at pictures of him the last few days he was here, I realized that although I have TONS of pictures of him, I have only a handful of me and him together (and no REALLY good one).  I tried to take a few before he left but none of those turned out great either.  I regret that I didn't get on the other side of the camera more often, and I will have to remember that with Evie and future kiddos. 
- My baby is having surgery tomorrow, and it kills me that I can't be there.  He is going to be coming out of anesthesia with someone he has known for less than three days, and I just pray that things go smoothly. 

I'm the Lucky One

This morning I strapped sweet Tank into the caseworker's car and watched him drive away ran inside and had a good cry.  (Side note: The caseworker had NO CLUE how to get the carseat oriented properly, or how to strap him in correctly.  This is not the first time that kind of thing has happened.  Carseat installation and safety really should be a mandatory training for all DSS workers.)

About 30 minutes before the caseworker was set to arrive, Tank started getting really fussy.  I gave him a jar of food, but he was still fussy.  I knew if I laid him down in his crib, he would fall asleep.  But I wasn't letting that baby out of my sight for one minute today until I had to.  So we snuggled, and he finally fell asleep in my arms five minutes before the caseworker was supposed to be here.  Thank goodness she was late, so this is how I spent my last thirty minutes with him:

 

This is my first experience with goodbye in the foster care system, but I know it won't be my last.  I knew this was part of foster care when I signed up for it; but that doesn't make things any easier.  I also even knew that it was just a matter of time before I had to give Tank up, but I still cried all week.  Oh, how it hurts.  But I would not trade one minute I got to spend with him to take away the pain right now. 

 

Lots of people have told me how lucky he was to have me in his life.  But that baby was a blessing and a JOY to have here for almost four months; and in reality, I was the lucky one to have been placed with him.  I was lucky that I got to have such a sweet soul in my house for four months.  That I was the one that got to watch him blossom from a baby who pushed away when you held him to one who turned around to snuggle into my chest when he was ready to go to sleep.  That I got to watch him learn and grow, to see the first time he rolled over, got up on hands and knees, transitioned back to sitting, started crawling and pulling up to his knees (and twice to his feet), and started clapping.  That I was the one that got to see other milestones - his first baby food and his first tooth.  That I got to listen to that infectious laugh every day he was here.  That I got to see his little personality develop.  Even that I was the one that got to nurse him when he had four ear infections in eight weeks, and to change all the nasty diapers that came with the antibiotics. 

 

I will cherish every snuggle, every belly laugh, every smile, and every facial expression for the rest of my life. 



 

Three Days

I found out today that they will be picking Tank up on Friday morning to go live with his relative.

 

Even though I knew what I was getting into when I became a foster parent; and even though I knew this particular goodbye was probably coming any day now, I spent most of the evening in tears. 

 

I plan to spend the next three days soaking in every minute of sweetness from that baby that I can.

Christmas Photo Journal

We went to the aquarium to see Polar Express 4-D (15 minute version) and see Scuba Claus.  Tank loved watching the big fish swim by.

 

 

Evie decorated a gingerbread house with my nephew.

Decorating cookies for Santa

 

Santa showed up in a big way last night, partly due to 2 organizations that provided gifts for the kids

Christmas aftermath







Tank Update

The doctor said on Wednesday that both Tank's ears still looked very infected, so he got an antibiotic injection for three days in a row.  On the third day, he also got the flu shot and his second round of preventive shots (he had not had any before he came to me).  He literally did not cry at all for the first two shots in his right leg, and stopped crying immediately when the shots were done in the second leg.  Best. Baby. Ever.   I'm waiting on the ENT to call to set up a follow up appointment. 

Tank's caseworker was here on Friday (the first time she has set foot in my house since he has been here).  There is a court date set for January, and I originally thought this was because mom should be finished with her treatment plan by then (based on a conversation I had with the GAL) and that Tank would likely go back with his mom at that time.  The caseworker said that although Tank's mom is making good steady progress with her plan, there was no way she would be finished with everything by then.  She also told me there is another family member that just had a home study completed to have Tank placed with her.  Apparently the person completing the home study has not written up the report yet, but sounded positive about the outcome; and said it is possible Tank will be moved there in the next week or two. 

Tank is now crawling and is getting into everything!  He's pulling up to his knees on short surfaces, so I'm sure it won't be long before he is pulling up to standing.  Now that he is so mobile, he is not happy to be contained in the exersaucer anymore (or even really to be held much).  I am in trouble now!