Court

I am so far behind and have so many posts swimming around in my head (or on the draft table), but at least wanted to give an update of the Permanency Planning Trial. 

Last we left off, we were waiting on a court date for a repeat Permanency Planning Trial. That date was finally set for March 1st, and I planned to attend.  I typically do, but the last court date I was unable to go, and that was when weird things happened that no one could really explain.  Foster Care Review Board was also scheduled for the afternoon of March 1st so I pretty much just took the whole day off. 

We were the first case called.  Dad's lawyer was there, and apparently mom's lawyer had asked to be relieved from the case (the second lawyer that has done so).  But neither dad nor mom showed up.  (Seriously?!  If I were having a court hearing that concerned my child, I don't care how confident I was that things were going to go my way, or how convinced I was that things weren't.... whether I had a lawyer or not... my butt would be in that courtroom!)

The trial took all of five minutes, and the goal was changed to TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) only!  Now we are still waiting on a court date for a trial to actually determine if the rights are terminated. 

Foster Care Review Board also took all of about 10 minutes.  They presented the case, nothing really has changed, and they still recommended termination of parental rights.  (But remember, FCRB really has no weight in that decision, beyond what weight the judge wants to give it when he considers the case.)

And I found out later that mom had shown up for FCRB, but 30 minutes late, after everything was over.  I'm not sure why she showed up to that but not to court, but it's all part of "logic in my world and yours is totally different..." 

Music Monday: Held

Elmer walks into the kitchen and says, "Mama, mama..."


Later that night, I cry because I am scared and anxious. 


I had thought that we were waiting on a trial date for TPR.  But last week, his caseworker told me that we basically have to have the exact same court hearing that we had in August.  The one where they had made the permanency planning goal concurrent reunification and TPR/adoption.  The one where I couldn't understand how reunification was even a potential goal since the parents have no treatment plan and DSS is "foregoing all reasonable efforts to reunite."  Now she is telling me that before we can proceed to a TPR trial, we have to get the permanency goal changed to be TPR/adoption only.  I get that, but what I do not get is why this did not happen in August.  Nothing has changed, and they were actually less of parenting candidates in August than they are now.  Which makes me nervous and scared and anxious.  Because Elmer's parents visited with him four times in the first nine months he was with me, but they have now been very consistent with visits for the last three months. 


Me to caseworker: So basically the court hearing in August was a waste of time and we are back to the same spot we were in then?
Caseworker to me: Exactly!  I tried to tell the lawyer that then, but he wouldn't listen.  (Now the county has a new attorney.)


So we have been legally stagnant for the last seven months, with no set court date for the next step yet. 


I am scared.  I worry that even though from the very first merits hearing over a year ago when the plan was to forego all reasonable efforts to reunite with parents, that a judge may look at the current situation and say, "But why didn't they get a treatment plan?  But now we need to give these parents a chance."


It's a fine line knowing that the goal of foster care is reunification, and also knowing what I know about this case. 


Do I think that Elmer's parents could be safe and appropriate parents at this moment in time?  It's definitely a possibility.  Do I think that Elmer's parents could be safe and appropriate parents consistently for the next 16 years and 8 months?  It would take a miracle.  Do I think that Elmer's parents deserve another chance given their past history and given the fact that they set him up in life with all the cards stacked against him?  No.


But I have no clue how a judge is going to see it.  And so I'm scared. 


And then for some reason the thought pops in my head that until Elmer was a few months old, he never was completely settled unless he was being held. 


I need to be held, too.  And I can be.  I pray that I will let myself be held by the Creator, so I can be settled and let go of my anxiety and fear. 

To think that providence would

take a child from his mother while she prays, it's appalling.

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held

The case will turn out the way it will turn out, and I know God has a master plan in it all.  No matter what, both moms will need to be held because we both experience loss.

Potty Humor

So the potty humor has already started at 15 months old! Elmer was standing in the tub tonight, passed gas, looked at me and started laughing. I did nothing to encourage this reaction. Boys!

Longest Placement

Evie was here for 13 months and 13 days.  As of Monday, Elmer has become the placement that I have had the longest, at 13 months and 14 days and counting. 

Still waiting on a trial date for TPR. 

I was at a friend's house the other day and went into the bathroom.  Elmer followed after me, calling, "Mama!"  I hope that he is here forever.  But even if he isn't, for now I am his "mama" and every child needs and deserves someone to call that on a day-to-day basis. 

14 months

Elmer is 14 months old now.  I often watch him play and sit in amazement at how well he is doing, considering the start that he had. 


He can spontaneously say 17 words:
Pumpkin (our cat) (pupu)
Uh-oh
Yay
Mickey Mouse (nunu)
Banana (nana)
Paci (pa-pa)
Bubbles
Diaper (piper)
Up (bup)
Sock
Mama
Ball
More
Dog
Peekaboo (pu-boo)
Bye bye
Hi


He repeats MANY more words than these. 


He can point out 5 body parts when asked:
tummy
hair
ears
mouth
nose


He knows what 4 animals say:
Cat (ow)
Duck (kak)
Monkey (aaa-aaa)
Chicken (ba-ba)


He feeds himself with a spoon fairly well.


He knows where to go to get his medicine, to go bye-bye, to get his diaper changed.


He can kick a ball and walk really fast.  He still falls a lot.


He rats himself out when he is touching something he knows he is not supposed to, by saying "no-no-no" while he is touching it. 


He drinks one bottle at bedtime and usually passes out while doing so.  He sleeps with a lovey (thank goodness he is not particular - we have four different ones and he is cool with any of them) and a pacifier (sleeping is about the only time he has a pacifier).  He goes down in the crib at naptime and puts himself to sleep without crying. 


He is becoming such the little boy lately, and is still so happy!

Those curls!!

And just for fun, almost exactly one year apart.  (Nov 17, 2015, just 5 days after Elmer arrived; and Nov 22, 2016).  I did not put him in the carrier specifically to get a picture, nor did I purposefully have the same shirt on both years!

"You [Are/Are Not] the Father!"

Several weeks ago Elmer's caseworker (JATH) contacted me saying that there was a man who said he had had relations with Elmer's mom around the time of conception and that he may be Elmer's father.  He said that he had been in contact with Elmer's mom when Elmer was very young and had seen pictures of him then.  He said Elmer bore a striking resemblance to his family, who are all blond haired and blue-eyed.  (This put me somewhat at ease because although Elmer had had a fair complexion - and no hair so could have been any color - when he was very young, after the summer his complexion had darkened and his hair had come in a brown color.) 


So my question was: If he had known that Elmer existed since he was very young, where had this potential "father" been for the last year?!  I could almost get on board with this man taking custody of him if he was actually the father, and if he had had no clue that there was a baby until recently.  (Don't get me wrong, it would have COMPLETELY devastated me, and I would definitely have some serious grieving to do.)  But this person should have no bearing on Elmer's life at this point if he knew about Elmer and chose to ignore him for a full year. 


But he is biological family, and he does.  If this man was the dad, then that would introduce a whole different set of people as factors to Elmer's case - if he or any of his family were willing and capable/safe to care for Elmer, then DSS would move him to them without too many questions asked.  The fact that I have been caring for him for a year at this point and that I am the only home/mother he has ever known would not matter.


So Elmer had to have a DNA test to see if this person was his biological father. 


Meanwhile, I am torn up and stressed, but trying not to really think about it so that I wouldn't get too stressed.  Trying NOT to think about the "what if's". 


And then I got a text from the JATH saying


.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


The man is NOT Elmer's biological father!




An instantaneous wave of relief came over me and I burst into tears.  So glad that I do not have to deal with a new set of unknowns! 


Now we still wait for the county's legal department to file for a TPR (termination of parental rights) trial with the court.  From my understanding, we have been waiting on this very thing since August. 


Patience. 


Patience.

Perdon

Pretty late in posting this, but...


We had a new friend stay with us for a couple of weeks back in late October-early November.  Her foster family was going out of the country so I provided respite for her. 


Perdon (Spanish for "excuse me," because that is how she started EVERY question... and she was very similar to Evie and asked A LOT of them) was five years old (actually just two months older than Evie - who just turned seven BTW! - was when she left here). She apparently had been moved from her first foster home to her current one due to behavioral issues, but I did not have any problems at all while she was here.  Current foster mom also said she doesn't have any issues, other than Perdon lying. 


The night before I was going to pick her up, I met up with her and her foster family to get her things, and also so that a stranger would not be picking her up from school the next day. At that point, I learned that there was a six-year old and twelve-year old who would be going to stay at a group home while the foster family was gone, since there were no other families that could provide respite.  I very strongly considered taking the six-year old as well.  I don't have space, and I knew it would be chaotic, but I hated the thought of a six-year old having to go to a group home!  However, when I asked the foster mom if she would be okay with Elmer, the mom said, "Well, you will have to watch her constantly and you will need to let him sleep in your room" because she had a history of sexual abuse and the foster mom was not sure how she would act.  That tipped the scale to the "No" side.


Perdon loved Elmer, and Elmer loved having someone to play with.  It was nice that when we walked in the door from daycare, I could get dinner ready (usually just cut up and heated up) without a baby hanging on my leg and crying, since he had someone to entertain him.